


When It Hits You

by Moonyeyedwalrus



Series: Kick in the Head [1]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, ot6 friendship, some body image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:51:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5713300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonyeyedwalrus/pseuds/Moonyeyedwalrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Himchan figures out how he feels about Jongup. Things get awkward. It's not easy working through your feelings in the middle of a major comeback and world tour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was unbelievably sweet, really. Some fans had put together a video of BAP over the six weeks of constant performances and interviews after Matrix was released. The video, set to "With You," had clips from their V App appearances, showed the boys behind the scenes playing around, on stage performing their hearts out, and connecting with Babyz at fansign events. It had clearly been made with great love, and all of the members were touched. Himchan was touched, really he was. He just also felt a little like vomiting.

  
He was quiet in the van on the way to the airport after their last fan meet in Japan. He couldn't get that damn video out of his head. Why was it making him so sick to his stomach? He didn't think it was seeing himself at his still-too-heavy weight; he'd gotten so used to the comments and his own appearance that he barely registered the sting now. So if that wasn't it, what was?

  
Someone poked him on the side of the neck from the back seat. "Hyung?"

  
Okay, not "someone." Himchan didn't need to turn around to see who it was, either. He didn't need more than one syllable to pick out Jongup's quiet voice.  
He grunted in response, noting how something in his guts twisted and the hair stood up on the back of his neck as the finger hovered, then poked him again.

  
"Hyung."

  
"Yah," he grumbled in response, twitching away from Jongup.

  
"What's the matter?"

  
"Leave him alone, Jonguppie, he's still choked up after that video," Daehyun said with a laugh. Himchan heard a scuffle break out behind him and he winced. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Yongguk turn to look at him and he schooled his features blank as quickly as he could.

  
"It was a sweet video," Yongguk agreed quietly. Himchan just nodded and turned to look out his own window rather than make eye contact. He thought he could feel his friend's eyes on him still, but one of the good things about Yongguk was he always knew when to press and when to let things lie.

  
Although, Himchan reflected as the noise of his dongsaengs playing in the backseat assailed him, maybe this once he could have used the distraction. Because all he could do know was play that video over and over in his mind. There must have been half a dozen moments of him and Jongup, Himchan clinging to him or watching him, and in every one, Jongup had looked away from him first--if he was even aware of Himchan's existence at all. It was humiliating to see it laid out so bare in front of him.

  
_The others are probably so used to it by now that they don't notice anymore_ , a small cold voice came from the back of his mind. _They probably talk about it behind your back. 'Poor Himchan-hyung, so in love with Jongup and stupid enough to think we didn't know!'_

  
He had to fight to urge to groan into his hands and settled for chewing on his thumbnail like he was Youngjae three years ago or something. What the hell was this? He'd always doted on Jongup; the younger boy's smile could light up a goddamn city and sometimes Himchan thought he was the only one who noticed. He'd always fought to make sure Jongup was heard in interviews and that he got credit for his amazing dancing when he was used so little on vocals. But it had never been like--like this. He'd never watched Jongup with the others and felt the flare of-- _Oh, just call it what it is, you coward_ \--of _jealousy_ that he felt right now. Jongup had grown up tremendously during BAP's hiatus, and now everyone was suddenly sitting up and taking notice of him, even the other group members. It was making Himchan decidedly territorial, and he didn't like it. Kim Himchan did not compete for attention. He did not show his insecurities.

  
Well, except for lately when his extra pounds were being pointed out left and right and he himself couldn't seem to stop bringing up his failed diet in interviews. It was as if all his old confidence had been transferred to Jongup and Junhong and here he was--sad and old and fat and obvious. Jongup probably felt sorry for him..  
He grimaced again and moved onto his index finger, not noticing the blood under his thumb nail that he had already worn to a nub.

  
He had to stop thinking about this. He had to stop noticing Jongup like this. There was another burst of laughter from the backseat. Himchan bit down harder on his finger, relishing the pain, and was startled when he felt someone touch his elbow and pull his arm away. He turned to find Youngjae on his knees between the two middle seats. He was frowning slightly at Himchan's hand.

  
"You're bleeding," he said quietly. Himchan shrugged him off gently, clenching his hand into a fist. Youngjae kept a hold of his elbow for a beat, watching him, and Himchan suddenly recalled all the times he had done the same for the younger, pulling his fingers out of his mouth and reminding him to stop biting his nails. Youngjae pulled back into the backseat and Himchan met Yongguk's eyes by accident. Yongguk's gaze traveled to his fist and he frowned slightly. Himchan looked away before he could say anything.

  
**

  
On the plane, he squeezed in between Junhong and the window. Junhong liked the aisle seat these days since it was easier to stretch out his impossibly long legs. Himchan put his earbuds in and feigned sleep all the way home. He barely even noticed Jongup watching a movie with Daehyun on his laptop. Didn't matter to him at all.

  
**

  
Jongup was always happy to get back to Korea. He liked the dorm, always full of his friends' voices and snores and laughter. He and Youngjae were on different sleeping schedules so there was never any conflict there, and he could always find an empty studio space to dance if he needed to unwind on his own. Tonight, though, he was glad to be surrounded by the other members, giddy after the end of their Japan trip.

  
Except for Himchan-hyung. For some reason, he was quiet all the way to the airport, and even slept on the plane on the way back. Usually he'd be sneaking small bottles of soju to the younger members while making Yongguk laugh at the same time. Himchan almost never slept on planes.

  
"Are you even watching?" Daehyun asked him at one point in the movie when apparently Jongup missed the cue to laugh. Or gasp? There was an awful lot of blood on the screen, maybe this wasn't a comedy. He couldn't even remember what they were watching.

  
"Not technically," he said. Daehyun pinched his cheek and snatched Jongup's half of his earbuds out of his ear.

  
"Cinematic genius is wasted on a sleepy Jongup," he declared, standing to lean over the seat in front of them to poke the top of Youngjae's head.

  
"Youngjae-ah, come watch with me."

  
"I'm sleeping."

  
"You're _talking_."

  
"I'm multi-tasking."

  
Jongup took advantage of Daehyun's distraction to peer around him to see what the others were doing. Yongguk was sitting by a window with a laptop open in front of him, typing away. Writing song lyrics, maybe, or working out some schedule for the six of them. Certainly working on something, and oblivious to the ruckus Daehyun and Youngjae were making thanks to his heavy headphones. Across the plane on the other side were Junhong and Himchan. Himchan looked dead to the world, except something in the way he was holding himself seemed too stiff for him to really be unconscious. But why would he be faking? Junhong's legs were stretched out in the aisle and he was looking through Youngjae's camera. He noticed Jongup looked and gave him a small grin, then rolled his eyes at Daehyun. Jongup rolled his eyes back and, as one, they both rose from their seats and met in the last row, away from the others.

  
"What's up with Himchannie hyung?" Jongup asked in a low voice. Junhong shrugged.

  
"Just tired, like everyone. He's getting old, you know."

  
Jongup poked him in his newly hard bicep. "You think everyone older than you is elderly."

  
"Yeah," Junhong agreed cheerfully. "Hey look, I stole this from Youngjae." He held out the camera and Jongup leaned over so he could see the screen, too. Junhong scrolled through the photos slowly.

  
Youngjae was actually a decent photographer. He'd captured dozens of moments that should have been insignificant and made them interesting, at least to Jongup. Here was one of Daehyun, in a rare moment of contemplation, his face relaxed and serious, staring into his cup of coffee. One of Yongguk hyung laughing with Manager Kang, both of them looking so at ease and happy that Jongup felt some of his own tension draining away just looking at them. One of Junhong dancing in a hotel hallway, his upper body clear and his legs a blur.

  
"That one's cool," Jongup and Junhong said in unison, and laughed.

  
One of Himchan and Jongup. Himchan had his arm around Jongup and was smiling at him fondly while Jongup was looking at something or someone offscreen.   
"Poor Himchan hyung," Junhong said with a snort.

  
"Why?" Jongup frowned at him and looked at the picture again. He thought Himchan looked good in it. He always looked good. He looked back at his friend to see him smiling at him. "What?"

  
"Nothing," Junhong said, shaking his head and grinning to himself. 

  
"What?" Jongup said again, but Junhong just laughed again.

  
Now, at the dorm finally, it was still eating at Jongup. Himchan had been quiet all the way from the airport. And just what the hell had Junhong been laughing at, anyway? Jongup pushed his way through the others to the trunk of the van where their luggage was being unloaded. Himchan was pulling suitcases out and passing them to their owners. 

  
He started to struggle with a particularly heavy one--Junhong's, of course; he claimed his clothes took up more space than anyone else's because he was so tall, but Jongup knew him to be a serial over-packer--and Jongup darted forward.

  
"Here," he said, grabbing the end of the suitcase before it could swing hard against Himchan's leg. Himchan brightened at him, and then, as if remembering something, his face went smooth and blank.

  
"Thanks," he said. "Junhong-ah! Come get your stuff before it kills somebody."

  
Junhong appeared quickly, squeezing in between Jongup and Himchan. "Did you hurt your back, Himchannie-hyung?" he asked innocently. Himchan narrowed his eyes at him and pushed the suitcase against the younger boy's chest.

  
"Go," he advised.

  
"Jongup-hyung and I can help you inside if you don't feel up to it!" Junhong said, all sweetness and light. Jongup stifled a laugh as Himchan chased the maknae towards the building.

  
"Yah, you better run!" Himchan called as he was easily outstripped. Jongup shook his head, grinning, and took the last two suitcases--his and Himchan's--out of the van, and met up with the elder who was scowling after Junhong.

  
Jongup bumped his shoulder companionably and Himchan turned his glare on him. "I can get it," he snapped. He tried to grab his suitcase away but his hand got caught between the handle and Jongup's hand.

  
"I don't mind," Jongup said, wincing as his fingers were pinched against hard plastic.

  
"Just--put it down, Jonguppie," Himchan sighed. Jongup did as he was bidden, staring at Himchan. He was being so weird. Like, even more so than usual. He watched him pick up the suitcase and head inside without another word, then jogged to catch up.

  
"He was just kidding," he said tentatively. "Junhong. You're not, like, old."

  
"I know that," Himchan said tersely. They had missed Junhong's elevator. Himchan pressed the call button several times impatiently.

  
"Is something wrong?" Jongup asked tentatively when Himchan continued to pointedly not look at him. He tried to think if he'd done anything to offend Himchan lately, but nothing came to mind. Besides, he'd always been able to get away with anything where his hyung was concerned.

  
Himchan looked at him finally and smiled, but it was his closed-lipped smile, not the real one.

  
"Of course not. I'm just a little tired," he said. The elevator arrived and they climbed in in silence. Jongup resisted the urge to point out that Himchan had slept--supposedly--the entire plane ride home. Maybe, he reflected, Himchan really was getting old. He resolved to do more to help out in the future. He'd be the best dongsaeng he could be.

  
**

  
Himchan collapsed facedown in bed. He could hear Yongguk unpacking quietly behind him. He should unpack, too. Everything he hadn't worn--which, to be honest, was most of what he'd packed--would get wrinkled. But he couldn't seem to make himself move. Now he was feeling guilty. He knew he'd hurt Jongup's feelings back at the elevator.

  
_Oh please_ , the small cold voice sneered. _You think he cares what you do_? And it laughed. Even his subconscious thought he was a joke. He groaned into his pillow to muffle the sound. He would have liked to break something, but such dramatics would hardly help him get over his humiliation.

  
He felt the mattress dip once, twice, and became aware of a body crawling over his to rest against the wall, a pair of long legs slung over his back. He turned and cracked an eye open. Yongguk was looking down at him expectantly. Himchan grunted and tried to shrug him off, but Yongguk was remarkably heavy for such a skinny guy.

  
"What," Himchan said finally, when his friend showed no signs of movement.

  
"What?"

  
"What are you doing?"

  
Yongguk poked his butt with one toe. "What are _you_ doing?" he countered. Himchan turned his face back to his pillow and groaned again.

  
"What do you wannnt?" he whined, confident Yongguk could understand the question despite the pillow halfway down his larynx.

  
"You're not unpacking," Yongguk observed.

  
"Very astute."

  
"You always unpack right away."

  
Himchan tilted his head back to glare at his leader. "Yeah, well. YOLO, and whatnot."

  
Yongguk patted his butt with his whole foot now in a comforting sort of way.

  
"You're upset, what happened?"

  
"Nothing." Himchan turned his face away again. He'd never been able to lie to Yongguk's face, but he couldn't begin to explain this. It didn't even make sense to himself.

  
Yongguk petted his hair and Himchan hummed in pleasure. It was a side of Yongguk he rarely showed in public. Oh, he'd hang on the maknaes, sling a friendly arm over the younger members' shoulders, but he wasn't much for physical affection with the others. In private, though, he'd let his guard down a bit with Himchan. They'd been friends so long it would be strange if he didn't. 

  
"Nobody likes me as much as I like them," Himchan whined around the pillow. He felt Yongguk shaking and peered up at him. He was laughing silently. "I'm glad my pain amuses you," Himchan said, turning his face away again. Yongguk continued to stroke his hair. 

  
"Everyone loves you, dummy," he said. "Is this about Daehyun? Are he and Youngjae being too...themselves?"

  
"Always," Himchan grumbled.  
Someone cleared their throat from across the room. He lifted his head just enough to see Jongup standing in the doorway, a mug in his hand. 

  
"I thought maybe you weren't feeling well, hyung, so I made you some tea," he said. Yongguk gave Himchan's hair a light tug and took his hand away. Jongup was still looking at Himchan uncertainly. Yongguk's foot pressed down on his butt suddenly and he squirmed away, finally pushing the leader off and sitting up. 

  
"Thanks Jonguppie," he said. He felt unaccountably guilty; all he knew was he didn't want to be the cause of the nervous expression on the younger man's face. Jongup's expression cleared a bit and he came into the room, proffering the mug of tea--oolong, Himchan's favorite. 

  
"None for me?" Yongguk asked from his crumpled position on the bed. He was practically upside down. Himchan kicked him carefully, trying not to spill, and Yongguk laughed at the stricken look on Jongup's face. "I'm kidding, Jonguppie," he said, crawling to the head of the bed and freedom. "I have laundry to do anyway. Try to cheer him up, would you?" And, gathering a large armful of clothes, he left the two of them alone.

  
Well. This could maybe have been avoided if Himchan had clued him into what was bothering him. Jongup settled on the end of the bed--he'd long since stopped asking for Himchan's permission, since it was always freely given. 

  
"You're not feeling well?" Jongup asked, narrow eyes probing Himchan's face. Himchan blew on his tea so he would have an excuse not to look at him. He leaned back against the wall. 

  
"Hyung?"

  
He finally looked over at Jongup and smiled. "Don't worry. I'll be all right." Jongup frowned at him, unconvinced, and then looked at the pile that was Himchan's luggage.

  
"Do you want help unpacking?"

  
Himchan had to stare at him for that. Jongup was notorious for how much he hated packing and unpacking. Right after their debut, Youngjae had discovered that Jongup wasn't doing either--he kept using and reusing the same clothes every time they went anywhere. Himchan had had to sit him down for a little chat about hygiene and laundry and the importance of changing up your airport wardrobe when there were cameras watching your every move. 

  
"You think you'd like unpacking for me more than you like doing it for yourself?" he asked drily.

  
"Sure," Jongup said with a half-shrug. "For me, it's a chore. Doing it for you, it'd be, like, novel."

Himchan ignored the pleasant twist these words gave him. "That," he said thoughtfully, "is ridiculous."

  
Jongup grinned a little and looked around the room some more, giving Himchan the opportunity to enjoy his profile. Jongup didn't look like anybody else; it was something Himchan had always liked about him and he couldn't understand how the others could always rank him lowest in appearance. He'd never understood it.  
Wait, he'd _never understood that_. Did that mean he'd been having these...feelings, or whatever...for years? And somehow he'd just never noticed?

  
"It smells in here, hyung," Jongup said. He took the mug of tea out of Himchan's hand and took a sip, then handed it back. "If you don't unpack soon it'll smell even worse."

  
Himchan heaved a dramatic sigh and took a sip of his tea.

  
"Your hyungs are getting old, Jongup-ah," he said. "Once you get a little further down the road to death, your room will smell, too."

  
Jongup nodded seriously, but the corners of his mouth were twitching and Himchan knew he was holding back a laugh. 

  
"Jongup-ah!" came a shout from elsewhere in the dorm. Daehyun, of course. Himchan felt his own tentative smile slip away.

  
"What?" Jongup called back unenthusiastically. 

  
"Jongup-ah!"

  
" _What_?"

  
" _Jongup-ah_!"

  
"He won't stop until you go," Himchan said before Jongup could respond. 

  
"Aish, this hyung," Jongup grumbled, scooting off the bed. Himchan watched him go. Jealousy was needling at him again. This was ridiculous. This had to stop. He had to snap out of it. He drank the rest of his tea in a decisive kind of way (a mistake; it was still way too hot) and got up to unpack. Snapping out of it...now.

  
**

  
Jongup's life seemed to blur around the edges. After Japan, there was the dance battle. Almost daily performances. New Year's. More performances, and now preparations beginning for the group's February comeback, more time in the recording studio than the dance studio (his aching muscles were thankful for the respite), radio shows, back to Japan for more fan meets...it was a constant bombardment of doing. He'd forgotten what this was like. It was hard, but it was also right. They were made for this. He was made for this, made to push himself. Now that Yongguk had him singing so much more on the albums, he had voice lessons in addition to training, choreography, the usual practices and appearances. He barely had time enough to breathe, let alone notice how different Himchan was acting. 

  
Except, obviously, he did notice. Himchan was avoiding him, or at least avoiding being alone with him. And he had almost stopped seeking him out when the six of them were together. Jongup hadn't realized what a constant the older man's presence was until he took it away. There had always been Himchan's arm around his neck, or hand at his back, or smile finding him during interviews and fan meets. Now it had all stopped. Himchan had stopped pushing his way to Jongup's side, had stopped directing questions to him during interviews so he had a chance to speak. When they did talk or wind up next to each other by chance, Himchan was friendly enough, but Jongup noticed the difference. He just needed five minutes' peace to try to fix whatever had gone wrong. 

  
He lay on his back in bed, wondering about Himchan and trying not to count how many minutes he had left to sleep if he passed out right now (87). 

  
"Jongup-ah," Youngjae mumbled from the other bed. Jongup started; he hadn't realized his roommate was awake.

  
"Hyung?"

  
"What's wrong with you? I can hear you thinking from over here." Youngjae's voice was slightly muffled as he was probably facedown in his pillow. 

  
"Sorry." Jongup rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow, trying to make out the other boy's shape in the dark. "You can actually hear me thinking? Is this your superpower?"

  
"If it is, I want my money back. I put in an order for invisibility or flying." There was a rustling sound and now Jongup could make out Youngjae's shape as he mirrored his posture back at him. "So, what's up? Might as well talk about it, there's not enough time left to sleep anyway."

  
This was crap and they both knew it; 87 minutes of sleep (well, 84, now) made all the difference in the world when you had as little time for sleeping as they did. Youngjae was just being Jongup's friend, and Jongup appreciated it. 

  
"Do you think Himchan-hyung is mad at me about something?" Jongup asked. Youngjae was silent. "It's just he's usually...different, and lately..."

  
"I think he's just tired from promotions and shows and stuff," Youngjae said quickly.

  
"This isn't our first round of promotions and shows and stuff," Jongup reminded him. "Nobody loves this stuff more than Himchan. Unless maybe it's Daehyun." This was true. If anyone was going to be worn out by the constant interviews and promos, it was Yongguk-hyung, not Himchan. Yongguk, Jongup knew, got tired of talking about himself all the time. He got tired of talking, period. Himchan was in his element. 

  
"I know, but it's a little different this time."

  
"How?"

  
Youngjae sighed and Jongup could make out the older boy flopping onto his back. "You know Himchan's not as confident as he used to be," he said, seeming to choose his words carefully.

  
"You mean because of the diet thing?" Jongup said incredulously. "That's just a running joke."

  
"It doesn't feel that way when it's you that's the joke," Youngjae said quietly, and Jongup flashed back to the round-faced boy  his hyung had been once. It felt like forever ago now. 

  
"Do you guys talk about that?" he asked. 

  
"Of course not," Youngjae said. "We don't have to." His voice was so low Jongup almost couldn't hear him. He rolled onto his own back, thinking hard.  
"So you think he's feeling bad about that now?" he said, guiltily remembering all the jokes he'd made about Himchan's weight, all the ones he'd laughed along to.  
"I know he is. He was always the visual, remember? This has to be driving him crazy. And then on top of everything he's turning 26 this year and we're busy all the time and of course he's tired even if he's happy, and it's just--it's a lot," Youngjae finished. 

  
All the made sense. Youngjae got credit for being smart, but not usually as much for being insightful. Jongup liked that he could still learn things about his best friends after all these years.

  
"You don't think he's mad at me?" he pressed. "More different with me than with you guys?" Because he'd seen Himchan with an arm slung over Junhong's shoulders, seen him deep in conversation with Yongguk just like the old days, seen him chasing off Daehyun when his teasing got to be too much. Even if everything Youngjae was saying was true, which Jongup was prepared to believe it was, it still didn't explain the weird vibe his hyung had developed around him.

  
"No," Youngjae said. His voice had gone flat. "Don't worry about it, Jonguppie. Go to sleep."

  
And just like that, the conversation was over.

  
**

  
Himchan really thought he was doing better. They'd made it through Matrix promotions and finished work on the next album. They had started revisiting the concept for the new Japanese album, which meant pulling out promo pics they had done two years before. Himchan didn't like to look at himself then, with his face so much narrower, without this extra layer around his midsection. He reminded himself that the music was strong and that was the most important part. He started working out again, forcing himself out of bed to get to the gym early in the morning.

  
Jongup could never get up that early, so Himchan could avoid running into him. The last thing he needed was for the younger boy to see him red-faced and sweating. (There was always group dance practice for that.) The second-last thing he needed was to see Jongup red-faced and sweating. That way lay madness.  
So Himchan took an alternate route, avoiding being alone with Jongup whenever possible, avoiding all physical contact beyond what was absolutely necessary. He took to spending more time with Yongguk, to keeping him company in the studio. He would do pushups and crunches in the corner while Yongguk worked at the soundboard or his laptop. He must have noted the change in Himchan, but he hadn't pushed him for an explanation after their talk after Japan. Himchan wasn't sure whether to be grateful or exasperated with his friend's reticence.

  
Grateful. Definitely grateful. 

  
It was paying off in more than one way, too. He found he could hear Jongup laughing with Daehyun without wanting to die. (Well, without wanting to die _too_ badly.) He could even smile at him normally again. Plus his arms were starting to look kind of toned from all the pushups, and he could swear his pants were getting a little bit looser. He'd all but given up wine during promotions, so he suspected that was helping, too. He had so much energy lately.

  
"Himchannie," Yongguk said one night, pulling off his headphones and turning back to where Himchan was doing crunches in the corner. 

  
"Mmm?" Himchan didn't want to lose count, but Yongguk stared him down until he stopped exercising. "What?" But Yongguk just kept staring at him all intensely. "What?" Himchan barked again. "I know my beauty's hard to look away from, but--" The joke snapped Yongguk out of it and he snorted, settling back in his chair.

  
"You should go back to the dorm," he said. "I'm gonna be here most of the night."

  
"Like that's new," Himchan said with a shrug, snagging his water bottle from against the wall and rolling it over to himself with one foot. "I figured I'd keep you company."

  
"The thing is--" Yongguk started, then he stopped. "The thing is," he tries again, slowly. "I need you at the dorm more than I need you here. Think about it, we've both been spending so much time here that I'm worried we're...missing something. The dongsaengs need their hyungs, and I've been so busy--" He gave Himchan a pleading look. Himchan took a long sip of water, his heart sinking. 

  
"Of course, you're right," he said, because he was. He, Himchan, had been selfishly fucking with the group's whole dynamic while he tried to get over this--thing--with Jongup. BAP had its forever leader in Bang Yongguk, but Himchan knew his own worth, knew that Bbang counted on him to be there for the youngers when he needed to be in the studio. Like right now. "I'll head back now," he told Yongguk lightly, rising to his feet. "You should think about getting some sleep at some point, you know," he added perfunctorily. They both knew Yongguk wouldn't be sleeping tonight. 

  
"Yes, yes," Yongguk agreed automatically. They both knew their lines in this old, familiar exchange.

  
Himchan picked up snacks on the way back to the dorm--not for him, he's sworn them off, but Yongguk's reminder left him feeling chastened and guilty and wanting to dote on the dongsaengs. The dorm was surprisingly quiet when he let himself in, though, and he had to search to find anyone. 

  
Junhong was lying with his back on the floor and his impossibly long legs stretched up the wall while he scrolled through something on his phone. Himchan stood over him and raised a questioning eyebrow.

  
"Hi, hyung," Junhong said without raising his eyes from his screen. 

  
"What's all this about?" Himchan asked, motioning to the maknae's strange pose. 

  
"Good for circulation," Junhong said vaguely. "I'm next in the shower," he added pointedly, looking at Himchan for the first time. "After Daehyunnie."

  
So that was two of them accounted for. HImchan registered the sound of the shower going. "Where's Youngjae and Jonguppie?"

  
"Youngjae's on the computer, Jongup's still at the gym," Junhong said, returning to his phone. Himchan knew he'd been dismissed, so he poked a foot into the maknae's belly, tickled his sides until he giggled, and for a minute it was their little Zelo again, fluffy and so damned cute, not the 187 cm ab-monster he'd recently become. 

  
"I brought snacks," Himchan said, holding the bag tantalizingly above Junhong's head. Junhong reached for it eagerly, then slumped back, a pout on his lips.   
"I'm not supposed to eat before I sleep," he grumbled. "Hyung says so." Himchan guessed the hyung in question was Junhong's trainer. He suppressed an eye roll and tickled Junhong's side again so he squirmed. 

  
"Good maknae," he said, moving on down the hall to Youngjae and Jongup's room. He felt very at ease, knowing Jongup was still out, and it made him a little sad, but he pushed it away. Youngjae was indeed on his laptop in bed, a towel slung across his neck, his hair drying in goofy whoops and whorls. 

  
"Snacks, Youngjae-ah," Himchan said by way of greeting. 

  
"Give!" Youngjae said cheerfully, and Himchan grinned, picking his way across the sea of detritus covering the floor. 

  
"Yah, you two are such slobs, are you sure you deserve snacks?" he teased, sitting next to Youngjae on the bed and passing the plastic bag to him. 

  
"Jongup doesn't, I do," Youngjae said promptly, picking through the options until he found something suitable. "I'm the good one, everyone knows that."

  
"Everyone does _not_ know that," Himchan snorted. He kicked Youngjae's foot with one of his. Youngjae kicked him back, and soon the snacks were forgotten as they engaged in a wrestling match.

  
"This is how you respect your hyung?" Himchan panted, managing to get the younger in a headlock. 

  
"You--started--it!" Youngjae responded. There was laughter from the doorway and then suddenly they were both overtaken by a tiny wet cannonball in the form of Jung Daehyun.

  
"Hyung!" he cried delightedly, ruffling Himchan's hair. "You're here!" And he'd been a thorn in Himchan's side lately and he really wished he'd put on _pants_ before joining them, but he couldn't help but smile at how obviously pleased the younger was. He still had to whip him into shape, of course. A hyung's duty.

  
**

  
The wrestling match was followed by snacks eaten from the filthy floor. Himchan justified it that everything is so crushed from being wrestled on that it couldn't possibly contain any calories. He was very smug that he hadn't had his shower yet. Junhong joined them and it was just so comfortable and nice that Himchan sent a mental thank you to Yongguk for sending him back. He'd almost forgotten what it was to just hang out with his dongsaengs. 

  
Eventually everyone drifted off, Youngjae and Daehyun curling up on Youngjae's bed with a movie on the laptop, Junhong off to his room with a notebook. (Himchan noted this with interest. He knew the maknae was interested in writing, but he'd only recently become very disciplined about it. That kid would take over the world if they weren't careful. Himchan's chest felt like it couldn't fit all the pride he had when he thought about how far Junhong had come.)

  
Himchan showered, luxuriating in the knowledge that no one was waiting to use the bathroom after him. He wiped off the mirror when he was done, took a look at himself. Still softish around the middle, true, but he was starting to like the way his shoulders and biceps looked. Not too bad. He wrapped his towel around his waist, opened the door--

  
and ran directly into Jongup. 

  
They both stumbled back from each other. Jongup had clearly just arrived home from the gym; his blonde-silver hair was still sticking to his forehead with sweat and his tank top was decidedly clingy. Himchan forgot all the nice thoughts he was starting to have about his own body in the face of the perfection that was Moon Jongup. 

  
"Sorry, hyung," Jongup said, reaching out a hand to steady him. 

  
Himchan found himself humiliatingly speechless. He had to force himself to keep his eyes on Jongup's face and not let them drift down to his sweaty torso. And that definitely wasn't normal for a hyung to need to do. It wasn't normal the way he noticed the sweat on Jongup's upper lip, or how soft his lips looked. It wasn't normal the way he wondered what it would feel like to run his hand through Jongup's sweaty hair and feel the fuzzy undercut on the sides.

  
Fuck. 

  
"It's fine," he said, backing away from Jongup and practically tripping over himself in the process. "You can have the shower if you want."

  
"Thanks?" Jongup's voice sounded forlorn as it followed Himchan down the hall. He closed his bedroom door and pressed his back against it as if the younger boy might try to force his way in. He was breathing hard. So much for doing better. 

  
He slid down the door until he was sitting against it, head in his hands. He was so fucked. He couldn't pretend this had anything to do with normal feelings for a friend anymore. He didn't look at his friends this way. And all his avoiding Jongup clearly hadn't made a difference. 

  
"What the hell am I supposed to do?" he mumbled into his hands. 

  
There was a knock on the door behind him; he felt it reverberating down his spine.

  
"Hyung?" It was Jongup. Himchan scrambled to his feet, remembering he was just wearing a fucking towel, and located a clean pair of boxers on top of his dresser. He was just pulling a pair of sweatpants on over them when the door cracked open. 

  
"Hyung?" Jongup said again. Himchan turned his back to him, looking for a shirt.

  
"What's up, Jongup-ah?" he said brusquely. The younger boy didn't answer and a second later, Himchan heard the door close again. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief that caught in his throat when he turned to find that Jongup hadn't slunk away after all, but had closed the bedroom door with himself inside. He was leaning against it now, still dressed for the gym, arms crossed over his chest. He frowned at Himchan.

  
"What's going on?" he asked quietly. 

  
Himchan started fumbling around for a shirt--he knew there must be something clean around somewhere, even if it was Yongguk's--and didn't meet Jongup's gaze, which was disturbingly direct.

  
"What are you talking about?" he tried to laugh, aimed for airy. Missed, landed on nervous.

  
"You've been...avoiding me?" Jongup said. He took a step towards Himchan, reached out, grabbed an arm that was rifling through Yongguk's tangle of blankets. "Hyung, stop."

  
Himchan froze at the contact, then flinched away. Jongup drew his hand back.

  
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked. 

  
"Of course not," Himchan said immediately. 

  
"But you _have_ been avoiding me," Jongup insisted, and hell if Himchan didn't keep forgetting how much all the younger members had matured in the past few years. Jongup's face was set, determined, when he looked at him. 

  
"Jonguppie," he started, but he really had nothing to follow that up with so they stood in awkward silence as Jongup waited for an explanation. "I'm just--" Himchan tried again. 

  
"Just what?"

  
Himchan shoook his head. He couldn't make the words come. Couldn't look at Jongup directly. Couldn't find a way out of the fucking mess he'd made of things without intending to. 

  
"I miss you." His head jerked up at Jongup's words, so quiet he could have imagined them, only he didn't. "I _miss_ you," Jongup said again, glaring at Himchan. "Don't you...miss me? Miss hanging out?" His cheeks flushed and he was so fucking attractive it hurt. It _hurt_. Himchan looked away. He nodded.

  
"I've been helping Yongguk..." he mumbled. 

  
"Well, what about right now?" Jongup said. "He's not here, and you're still being weird! What did I _do_?" And he sounded so frustrated Himchan actually took a few steps toward him before he caught himself. But now they were less than an arm's reach away from each other. His heart was pounding so loud Jongup must have been able to hear it. 

  
"You didn't--" he said, and his eyes caught on the mole on Jongup's nose. The fans loved that mole. So did he. And the curve of Jongup's nose in general was just perfect, really, and his lips were--his lips--

  
Himchan spotted Yongguk's hoodie hanging on the hook inside the door just like the lifeline it was. He darted around Jongup and pulled the hoodie over his head as he barreled out of the room, ignoring Jongup's shouted "Himchan-hyung!" behind him. He didn't slow down until he'd reached the studio and crashed inside, startling Yongguk out of his work. 

  
"What's wrong?" he demanded, pulling his headphones off and standing. Himchan just shook his head and put his hands on both knees, willing himself not to vomit. "Himchan!" Yongguk held out a bottle of water and Himchan drank from it gratefully, spilling half of it down the sweatshirt. 

  
"Did you know?" he demanded as soon as he'd caught his breath.

  
"Did I know what?" Yongguk still looked alarmed. "What's happened?"

  
"Nothing, thank god," Himchan muttered, collapsing on the futon and covering his face with both hands as if he could hide from his own humiliation.   
Yongguk settled gingerly on the couch next to him and rubbed circles in his back, making soft soothing sounds like he used to do for Junhong when he got overexcited or homesick. 

  
Eventually Himchan's heart slowed and he caught his breath. Nothing could take away the sick feeling in his stomach, though. 

  
"Did I know what?" Yongguk asked again, gently. 

  
Himchan shook his head. He found he couldn't say it out loud. If he admitted it, there would be no taking it back. There was no one's regard he would want to lose less than Bang Yongguk's, and how could his leader help but look at him differently now? He was obviously sick. 

  
"I fucked up, Bbang," he said miserably. "I can't--I think I need to leave."

  
Yongguk's hand stilled. "Leave?" he repeated. "What are you talking about? What could you have possibly done that was so horrible?"

  
Himchan just shook his head again. _If you only knew_.

  
"Is this about Jonguppie?" Yongguk asked suddenly. Himchan flinched, gaped at him. Yongguk's face was open, guileless. "Is it...maybe about how you, um. How you feel about him?" he stuttered the words slightly but his gaze stayed evenly on Himchan's face.

  
Himchan groaned. "Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded. Yongguk smiled--smiled! At a time like this!

  
"I thought you knew?" he said. 

  
"How would I possibly know that I'm--that I was--that I think Jongup is--"

  
"In love with Jongup, in love with Jongup, perfect," Yongguk supplied the ends of his sentences for him. "And I don't know, I just figured you knew."

  
"I'm so fucked," Himchan said miserably. Yongguk began rubbing circles in his back again. So that was something. By some miracle, he hadn't lost his best friend. "How long?" he asked, because Yongguk seemed to have a better grasp on all this than he did. 

  
"I think things started changing for you right before we went on our break," Yongguk said after thinking it over. "Remember when Jonguppie was sick? And they still made him perform? I've never seen you angry like that. You never left his side that whole week."

  
Himchan remembered. He'd felt sick himself every time he looked at the younger boy, trying so hard to pretend he felt fine, but his legs were shaking every time they left the stage, and it took twice as much makeup as usual to simulate the usual healthy color of his face. Himchan had stayed close--of course he had! He'd have done the same for any of the members. 

  
Except he hadn't. When Daehyun had been rushed to the hospital, it was Youngjae who had to be dragged from his side, not Himchan. Himchan had been worried, of course, furious with their company for forcing Daehyun to perform. But it hadn't been the same. Jongup had been a whole different level, and he hadn't even been as sick. 

"Something happened tonight?" Yongguk's voice pulled him from his reverie.

  
"No, just--almost," Himchan said. The memory still made him cringe. Running out of there like he was in some drama. What Jongup must be thinking of him! He saw that Yongguk was waiting for him to elaborate, an apprehensive look on his face. 

  
"Something," he rumbled. "Like--"

  
"God, no! Not--no! I just--I almost kissed him, I think." Himchan laughed self-consciously. "Can you imagine?"

  
"I'd rather not try," Yongguk said drily. "But...I mean, yeah, kind of."

  
"Well I can't," Himchan said flatly. "He'd hate me. And I don't think..." he studied his hands for a minute, the night's odd events rendering them unfamiliar. "I don't think I could stand for him to hate me," 

  
"Jonguppie could never hate you."

  
"You don't know that," Himchan said. He could picture this part way too clearly, the look of disgust that would cross Jongup's face if he reached for him intending to...intending that. "Yongguk-ah, I swear, I need to get away for awhile."

  
It wasn't a small thing to ask. Their new album would be dropping in just a few weeks, and they had promotions to do. But then the very nature of promotions were all about tantalizing fans with hints, giving them just enough to get them excited. They had already filmed a bunch of promos; they wouldn't need Himchan for all of them. If he could just get away, get his head on straight--hell, maybe get _laid_ \--he was sure he could put this behind him. 

  
Never mind that a year and nine months of a break wasn't enough to get you over it, the small cold voice said nastily, but he pushed it away. He hadn't known before. He knew now. Now he could fight this. 

  
He could see Yongguk thinking through the logistics. The company wouldn't be happy, that was for damn sure, but the group's new contract gave them a lot more leeway than it used to. 

  
"A family emergency?" Yongguk said finally. Himchan nodded eagerly.

  
"Just a week or two. No one needs to know, not even the others. Especially not the others."

  
Yongguk nodded, but he looked unhappy. "What if you did just tell him?" he said tentatively. Himchan gave him his best withering stare. "Right." Yongguk sighed. "I'll talk it over with Manager Kang. When do you want to go?"

  
"Tonight." Himchan didn't hesitate. He knew it was dramatic, but he couldn't face returning to the dorm, he just couldn't. Not until he'd gotten this out of his system. 

  
"Where will you go tonight?" Yongguk asked skeptically. Himchan looked around a bit helplessly. 

  
"Hotel? If you spot me the cash I swear I'll pay you back," he said. So that's what they did.


	2. Chapter 2

Yongguk was way too distracted to get anything else done that night, so after seeing Himchan off to the hotel, he returned to the dorm. He'd talk to Kang in the morning, no need to get him up in the middle of the night. He'd see right through the whole "family emergency" thing, but Kang was more than just their manager, he was a true friend. He'd be concerned, but Yongguk hoped he would trust him enough not to push the issue. 

  
It was almost 4 am when he entered the dorm, but somehow he wasn't surprised to find Jongup awake in the common room, staring at the tv but clearly not watching whatever was on. He jumped up as soon as Yongguk entered and Yongguk didn't miss the way his face fell, or the way he tried to peer behind him as though someone were following him.

  
"Himchan-hyung's not with you?" he asked. Yongguk shook his head. He really didn't want to lie to the dongsaengs, but Himchan had looked so desperate that he couldn't refuse him.

  
"He had to go home," he said, taking off his cap and rubbing a hand through his hair before dropping his backpack at the end of the couch. Jongup frowned.

  
"Home? Why?"

  
"He had a family emergency."

  
Jongup's look of concern deepened. "What happened?"

  
"His--grandmother," Yongguk said, casting around for a member of Himchan's family Jongup hadn't met a million times. They really should have thought this out better.

  
"His grandmother?" Jongup repeated. He looked unimpressed and Yongguk grimaced. Jongup wasn't quite the absent-minded fool he pretended to be for the cameras. 

  
"Mm hmm," Yongguk said. "How come you're still up, Jonguppie?"

  
"I was waiting for Himchan-hyung. He was being really..." Jongup trailed off and he narrowed his eyes. "Something's going on with _him_ , isn't it? Not with his grandmother."

  
Yongguk thought about lying. He thought about Himchan's face, so miserable and confused and scared. Then he looked at Jongup's face. So much trouble over this strange, hilarious, kind boy. "Something's going on," he agreed. "He needs some time."

  
Jongup took this in, his angular face very serious. "Is he all right?" 

  
"He will be," Yongguk said, hoping it sounded like he believed it. "Of course he will be."

  
**

  
By the second week of Himchan's absence, Jongup thought he was going to lose his mind. Yongguk wasn't talking. He'd pulled that same "family emergency" bullshit on Manger Kang and the other members, and for some reason nobody else was questioning it. Jongup was questioning everything. 

  
That last night when Himchan had been acting so weird in his room...Jongup could almost have sworn...

  
"Jongup-ah!" Someone bumped his shoulder hard. He blinked up at Youngjae. They were in the practice studio going over some of the new choreography, and Jongup had sat on the sidelines while the others got some extra help on the background dance they'd do while he was doing his solo part. He'd long since stopped paying attention, however, and at some point the room had cleared out. 

  
"Where'd everyone go?" he said, blinking around the room. 

  
"Water break," Youngjae said, settling down cross-legged next to Jongup. "What's up?"

  
"Nothing."

  
"Lies," Youngjae shot back. "You're worried about Himchannie-hyung."

  
"Aren't you?"

  
"I hope everything's okay, but he'll be back soon," Youngjae said with a shrug. Jongup shook his head irritably. He didn't get how the others didn't miss Himchan more. The entire choreography set was thrown off by his absence, and their songs sounded stupid and shallow without his voice to fill them out. The dorm was too quiet, and Yongguk tended to get very serious when Himchan wasn't around to needle him in that way only he could. Jongup had thought it was bad when Himchan was just avoiding him, but with him gone, things felt a hundred times worse. 

  
"Jongup-ah! Seriously, it'll be okay," Youngjae said a bit more gently. 

  
Jongup felt like he was going to explode if he didn't talk about this to someone. He glanced around, reaffirming that they really were alone in the room, and when he looked back at his roommate he saw he wore an expectant look on his face. "Something happened before he left, didn't it," he said. Jongup nodded. 

  
"It was--I don't know what it was. I went to ask him why he was avoiding me--"

  
"Where were you?" Youngjae interrupted. "Set the scene for me."

  
Jongup rolled his eyes. "Fine, I just got home from the gym and ran into Himchan coming out of the bathroom; he'd just showered. He acted really weird, like spooked or something when he saw me, and went to his room. I went after him and asked why he'd been acting so crazy, and he--" He broke off, remembering. He'd been a little distracted that night; he hadn't seen Himchan without a shirt on in ages and there seemed to be a lot more muscles than he remembered. He was still soft around the middle, though, which Jongup was glad about. He secretly liked Himchan's stomach. Hugging him was always really comfortable.

  
This strange train of thought had taken Jongup aback, but Himchan wouldn't even look at him so obviously didn't notice. Except when he did finally look at Jongup, there had been--something. In his eyes. He'd almost looked angry, only that wasn't quite it. He'd seemed to be holding himself back from something, but Jongup couldn't guess what that was. Did his hyung want to hit him? Or something else he was even less comfortable thinking about?

  
He noticed Youngjae was giving him an exasperated look.

  
"You two just need to kiss and make up," he said airily, and Jongup froze.

  
"What are you talking about."

  
Youngjae rolled his eyes. "You. Himchannie-hyung. The cloud of sexual tension we've all been ignoring for months. If you're not into it, you should let him down easy but make it clear, you know? All this will-they won't-they is going to make me gray before my time."

  
"Youngjae..." Jongup said slowly. "What are you _talking_ about?"

  
Youngjae looked at him incredulously. "You're not telling me you don't know," he said. "Jongup. Your whole oblivious exterior is just a put-on for the fans, remember? You aren't telling me you don't know Himchan's been in love with you since--"

  
He broke off as Jongup did some incoherent sputtering, and something in the older boy's face softened. "Shit," he sighed. "You really didn't know, did you?"  
Jongup shook his head wordlessly, stunned by the casual way Youngjae had said it. _Himchan's been in love with you since_ \--That couldn't be true, could it? It was crazy. Himchan was older and beautiful and charming and Jongup was younger and awkward and shy and it just made no sense. 

  
Except suddenly it was as if the pieces of the Himchan-shaped puzzle in Jongup's brain were all sliding into place. The way he'd always put Jongup before any of the others, always looked out for him. Wouldn't let the others tease him too much. His now-obvious jealousy when the others paid too much attention to Jongup. And that look in his eyes that last night, like he wanted to grab Jongup and kiss him fucking senseless.

  
There was a flash of heat in Jongup's chest at the thought and he pushed himself abruptly to his feet.

   
"Jongup-ah." Youngjae looked up at him, dismayed.

  
"I have to--go to the bathroom," Jongup lied. 

  
"Do you always take your backpack and jacket with you to the bathroom?" Youngjae called after him. He ignored him, pulling his phone out of his back pocket and dialing Himchan's number. It went straight to voicemail, just as it had the other dozens of times he had called it in the past week. Yongguk. He needed to find Yongguk. 

  
It wasn't long before there was the sound of familiar voices and Jongup found his friends and the dancer hyungs gathered around the vending machines. Yongguk was with them, drinking a Red Bull. Jongup took his arm and pulled him away from the others.

  
"I need to talk to you," he muttered. It was bad, it was disrespectful, but Yongguk followed him outside, waving away questions from the others and shooting Daehyun a dark look so he wouldn't follow them. 

  
The night air was crisp and bracing, a relief on Jongup's flushed skin.

  
"Jongup-ah?"

  
"Where is he?" he asked. "I know you know where he really is."

  
Yongguk sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. Still, the look he gave Jongup was kind. "What are you going to do?" he asked. 

  
Jongup hadn't exactly thought that far ahead. He paused. "I just--I need to see him," he said. "If I can just talk to him..."

  
"What will you say?"

  
Jongup frowned at him. "No offense, hyung, but it's not really your business," he mumbled, hardly able to believe his own nerve. 

  
"What happens in this group is my business," Yongguk countered. "Believe me, I don't want to be asking you this. But Himchan left because he needed to. And I need him to be able to come back again. If I send you to him, is he going to be able to?"

  
"Yes," Jongup insisted. "Hyung, that's all I want too, I swear!"

  
Yongguk gave him a level look. "Do you have money for a taxi?"

  
**

  
Himchan thought he could get used to hotel living. He hadn't seen another soul save the room service attendant in almost a week, not since Yongguk had dropped by with some of his things. Since then he'd been catching up on new music and daytime television. There may have been a certain lack of dealing with his shit, but he felt pretty good, all things considered.

  
He could maybe use a shower, though.

  
When the knock came on his door, he sighed and heaved himself to his feet. He'd known Yongguk would be back eventually. He wasn't looking forward to the lecture, but he couldn't just ignore his friend after he'd helped him so much.

  
He opened the door and his greeting died on his lips as he found Jongup on the other side.

  
"Hi," Jongup said simply and pushed his way past him into the room. "How's your grandma doing?"

  
Himchan stared at him, unable to quite believe Jongup was really there. And suddenly aware that he hadn't changed his clothes in two days. Or maybe three? And when was the last time he'd brushed his teeth, anyway? He caught a glimpse of himself in the large mirror across from the bed and grimaced. His hair was matted and greasy-looking, his clothes horribly wrinkled, a coffee stain spreading down his side.

  
Jongup, on the other hand, looked amazing. He had on a jacket over his practice clothes, had clearly just left dance practice, but he was a paragon of hygiene next to Himchan. He turned to glare at him now, though, and Himchan saw the dark circles under his eyes, the tightness around his mouth.

  
"You look like shit," Jongup said bluntly. It was jarring to hear him swear when he did so rarely.

  
"Yep," Himchan agreed, finally remembering to close the door. He aimed for disinterest that probably didn't convince Jongup for a second if his expression was any indication.

  
"Go shower. Have you been eating at least?" Jongup asked. It was a very considerate question considering he sounded awfully pissed off.

  
"How'd you find me?" Himchan asked. Pointless, really. It could only have been Yongguk, but he couldn't guess at his friend's motives. If he ever spoke to him again he'd have to ask.

  
"It wasn't that hard," Jongup said. He was still standing, glaring around the room, taking in the hearty mess Himchan had made in the past week.

  
"What are you doing here, Jonguppie?" Himchan asked. He should be jumping for the shower, but something in him took perverse pleasure in being gross and pathetic in front of Jongup. Why not? What did he have to lose at this point?

  
"What are _you_ doing here?" Jongup countered. He stopped pacing and stared hard at Himchan. "I was worried about you."

  
Himchan looked away. A week definitely hadn't been long enough. "You're right, I could use a shower," he said. He didn't wait for Jongup to reply and he half expected him to be gone by the time he got out of the shower. That would have been nice, as he had neglected to bring a change of clothes with him into the bathroom. Now that he was clean, the clothes he had been living in for days seemed fairly disgusting, and he was loathe to put them back on.

  
He tied his towel around his waist, cursing hotels for always having tiny bath towels, and poked his head out of the bathroom. Jongup had made the bed and was sitting on top of the covers, flipping through the TV channels in an aggressive kind of way.

  
Himchan sighed. His clothes were, of course, on the other side of the bed, and there was no way he could get to them without passing Jongup.

  
_It's nothing he hasn't seen a million times_ , he consoled himself as he exited the bathroom with all the dignity he could muster. Jongup looked at him and his mouth dropped open slightly. Himchan ignored this and made his way to the pile of his stuff on the other side of the bed, where he began rifling around for some clean underwear, at least. He heard the TV switch off behind him.

  
"Well?" Jongup prodded.

  
"Hm?" Himchan finally found some blue boxer briefs and pulled them on as best he could under his towel. A pair of jeans were next and finally he let himself turn back to Jongup, feigning ignorance as to what the boy could be talking about.

  
"Why are you living in a hotel five miles from the dorm?" Jongup said. "Why is Yongguk telling everyone you had a family emergency?"

  
"Apparently that's not what he's telling _everyone_ ," Himchan said bitterly. Jongup swung his legs off the bed smoothly and stood up, crossing his arms again.

  
"I told him I was gonna bring you home," he said. "He still didn't tell me why this is happening." He paused. "Youngjae thought he had an idea."

  
"Youngjae?" That was a surprise. "What does Youngjae think he knows about it?"

  
"He has this theory. That you're, um. That you...like me." For the first time, Jongup seemed nervous. Himchan's stomach lurched. The number of his teammates he was going to have to kill was rising swiftly.

  
"Everyone knows I like you, Jongup-ah," was all he said, deliberately misunderstanding his words.

  
"He said you're in love with me."

  
Himchan paused. "I should really be wearing a shirt for this," he muttered, looking through the pile of clothes Yongguk had sent. Why were there so many pants?

  
"Himchan?"

  
He sighed and met Jongup's gaze. "What do you want me to say?" he said. "I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. I just wanted to take some time to get my head on straight."

  
"No pun intended," Jongup said. Himchan gave a bark of laughter and finally found a tshirt to pull on. Then he collapsed on the bed with his back against the wall, his left leg stretched out in front of him and right foot resting on the floor.

  
"No pun intended," he agreed. "I'm sorry."

  
"Why are you sorry?" Jongup sat on the bed in front of him where Himchan couldn't avoid him.

  
"Because now everything is awkward and horrible?" Himchan took a stab at it. He stiffened when Jongup reached out and touched a finger to his cheek lightly. "What are you doing?"

  
"Just be quiet a minute. I'm thinking." Jongup ran his finger down the side of Himchan's face. His other hand found Himchan's hand and then he was turning it over, examining it like it was some strange artifact. Himchan was afraid to move. He felt as though a butterfly had alighted on his hand and if he so much as twitched it would fly off.

  
Jongup had moved to his wrist now, was feeling the delicate bones there with one hand, while his other outlined Himchan's fingers, checking the size of their hands against each other's. Himchan's was bigger but not by much. He stared as Jongup laced his fingers through his.

  
"I like your hands," Jongup said quietly. "And...I like your face." His eyes drifted up to meet Himchan's and he outlined his lips with a finger. "And you're my favorite hyung. Maybe...maybe everything doesn't have to be awkward and horrible."

  
Himchan's heart was trying to pound its way out of his chest again, which was very distracting, but he did his best to ignore the sensation. Train wreck or not, he was the elder, he had to be sensible. He caught Jongup's hand and removed it from his face, gently.

  
"Jongup-ah," he said. "You don't have to--"

  
But he never got around to letting Jongup off the hook, because Jongup leaned in and kissed him and the world flipped over.


	3. Chapter 3

Jongup didn't have a plan when he found the hotel Yongguk directed him to. He'd had just enough money for cab fare, but if he was going to make it back to the dorm, he'd have to borrow cash from Himchan.

  
Himchan, who looked like a fucking wreck when he opened the door. For a guy who was supposedly in love with him, he didn't look at all happy to see Jongup standing there. Maybe that was what pissed him off first. Or maybe it was after, when he pushed his way into the room and saw what a complete mess it was.  
_I'm not worth this_ , he wanted to shout. Instead he spoke more tersely than he ever had with Himchan before--this was something of the theme of the night, it seemed--and got him to go shower. That left Jongup alone in the wreckage to flip through tv channels while his mind raced a million times faster through possibilities.

  
He kind of wanted to hit Himchan.

  
Not, like, hard; he would never want to hurt him. Just shake him, maybe, ask him _why me_? until he got a satisfying answer.

  
Hell, he didn't even know for sure that Youngjae was right. There might be something else going on altogether and if Jongup said what was on his mind he'd be making a complete fool of himself.

  
But then Himchan had to go and come out in nothing but a towel _again_ and all of Jongup's reasonable ideas flew out of his head as it became vitally important that he find out where Himchan stood on this particular issue, like, immediately.

  
And it was obvious that Himchan thought there was something wrong with him for liking Jongup and he knew that was something they'd have to deal with at some point, but there was this new lightness in his chest he couldn't remember ever feeling before and he couldn't stop touching Himchan and then he was kissing Himchan, and Himchan was fucking trembling under him and wouldn't kiss him back but Jongup could feel that he wanted to.

  
He opened his eyes and leaned back just enough so that Himchan's face--stunned, frozen, and so, so beautiful--came into focus.

  
"I think it works better with two participants," he said. Himchan shook his head slowly.

  
"You didn't have to do that," he said, sounding almost angry. Jongup blinked.

  
"I know that."

  
"Then why did you do it?"

  
Jongup thought this over. "Because I wanted to," he said.

  
Himchan untangled their hands and scooted away from Jongup on the bed. "All of a sudden you just...wanted to?" he said.

  
This wasn't how this was supposed to go.

  
"Yes," Jongup said testily. It hadn't occurred to him that Himchan might not want to kiss _him_ , and now whatever had taken flight in his chest landed with an indelicate thump.

  
Himchan was shaking his head. "You should go."

  
"Why?"

  
"Because this isn't right."

  
"Why?" Jongup asked again. If this turned out to be a homophobia thing, he'd be disappointed in his hyung.

  
"I'm older than you, and--"

  
"I'm an adult, remember?" Jongup interrupted. "If you don't want to kiss me that's fine, obviously, but don't do this because you're trying to be--to be _noble_ or something; that's stupid."

  
"This can't be what you want," Himchan said, motioning to the room and himself carelessly.

  
Jongup narrowed his eyes. "You're right," he said. His hyung deflated a little. "I don't want some shitty hotel and you being weird--because you're the only one making this weird, in case you hadn't noticed. I want you to come back to the dorm with me and be normal and if you sometimes wanted to kiss me or whatever that's good too." He had to stop and take a breath. He wasn't sure how long they stared at each other. Himchan seemed to be trying to read something in his face, but Jongup couldn't even begin to guess what he saw there.

  
Abruptly, Himchan stood up, scrubbed a hand over his face and through his hair, and walked around to the side of the bed where Jongup still sat. He looked down at him and then ran a tentative hand across Jongup's hair, so lightly Jongup could hardly feel it. His face was very serious.

  
"You're my favorite too," he said, and Jongup smiled.

  
"I knew that," he said, and there it was: Himchan's real smile, the one that formed the dimple under his eye and showed all his teeth.

  
"Cheeky," Himchan said, pinching Jongup lightly. Jongup grabbed for the collar of his t-shirt and pulled him down, stopping him a few centimeters away from his face.

  
"I'll give you one more chance," he said mock-seriously. "Don't screw this up, hyung."

  
"Pressure," Himchan breathed, and then they were kissing, for real this time because Himchan gave as good as he got. And holy hell but it was good. It started off soft and slow, Himchan's hands coming up to frame Jongup's face. He touched him like he was something precious. It wasn't enough.

  
Jongup made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat and pulled Himchan down insistently until he was sprawled on top of him, propped up with his forearms on either side of Jongup's shoulders. They never broke contact, although Himchan made the cutest sound when he overbalanced and then they were both laughing while they kissed and their mouths were opened and there were tongues involved and it wasn't enough, wasn't enough.

  
"Wait, wait," Himchan pulled away first, flushed and gasping and too smiley for Jongup to worry. "Just--just wait," Himchan said quietly, a finger tracing Jongup's jaw, such a tender look on his face it was almost indecent. Jongup caught his finger in his teeth and bit it lightly, grinning up at him. The break was necessary; things were swiftly getting tight in the pants area, and judging from Himchan's weight on him his hyung was having the same issue. The thought made Jongup feel very...warm...but he didn't think he was quite ready for that yet.

  
Himchan grinned down at him and tried to pull his finger free, but Jongup held fast. "'S mine 'ow" he said around the digit.

  
"Oh, you're keeping it?" Himchan said, and he nodded.

  
"'ine."

  
"Keep it. You can have whatever you want of mine," Himchan said, more seriously. Jongup rolled his eyes and pinched the other's side.

  
"Cheesy," he groaned, but for some reason he couldn't stop smiling and neither could Himchan. Weird.

  
"Is anybody expecting you back tonight?" Himchan asked. Jongup thought of Yongguk, then banished thoughts of his hyung, or any of the others, or anyone outside of this room. It had been so long since Himchan had really looked at him, really smiled at him, and there was no way he was walking away from that already.

  
The kissing was pretty fucking badass too.

  
He shook his head. Himchan's smile widened.

  
"Good."

  
**

  
Yongguk almost went out there a dozen times that night. He'd dialed all but the last digit of the cab company five times, he'd pulled up the map and contemplated walking over, thought about spilling everything to Manager Kang and getting a ride with him...but no. He had to let his dongsaengs work these things out amongst themselves. If it was anyone but Himchan with Jongup, he might have intervened, but Himchan wasn't one of the kids. Whatever he was going through, he didn't need Yongguk's interference. He just hoped Jongup would let him down gently if it came to that.

  
(Would it? He couldn't quite make up his mind. Jongup loved Himchan, that was obvious, but Yongguk couldn't think of anything that made him suspect it was anything other than the love of a hyung. Jongup had shied away from Himchan's touch often enough--in jest, partly, but that was also just Jongup. As long as they'd known each other and even after everything they'd been through, Jongup still maintained an... _unknowableness_ to Yongguk that none of the others shared. He didn't know if even Himchan could break through that.)

  
Eventually, though, he resigned himself to waiting, and trusting his team. Everything would be all right, one way or another.

  
Yongguk got himself a drink.

  
**

  
Jongup came out of the bathroom wiping his face dry with a towel. His hair was dripping too, making rivulets down the sides of his neck that Himchan longed to lick off. He thought Jongup might actually let him.

  
"Did you stick your head under the faucet?" he asked with a laugh. They had had to take a little break from making out when it became clear they were both about to come in their fucking pants. Not that Himchan was opposed to orgasm, or seeing Jongup come (he felt himself flush at the thought and had to pinch himself hard), but he didn't want to rush things. This was so new for both of them, and he was still afraid he might accidentally scare off the younger man.

  
Jongup nodded forcefully, splashing droplets of water across Himchan's face.

  
"It was bracing," he said with a grin.

  
"Yah!" Himchan groaned shielding his face from the onslaught, but he couldn't stop laughing. Jongup hopped onto the bed next to him. He couldn't quite believe he was really here.

  
"You look at me like I'm gonna disappear," Jongup said, pretty much reading his mind.

  
"That happens sometimes with magical creatures," Himchan said. Jongup brightened.

  
"You think I'm a unicorn or something, don't you."

  
"Or something," Himchan agreed. This led to several minutes' discussion of precisely what kind of magical creature they would both be. Jongup kept naming things Himchan had never even heard of. It he'd been anyone else he would suspect they were making them up, but he knew by now that Jongup had a full stock of random knowledge to pull from.

  
They wound up lying side by side on the bed. Jongup played with Himchan's fingers and he enjoyed the sensation of being touched by the younger. It had been so long since he'd let himself be close to Jongup and he'd missed it.

  
"How long have you liked me?" Jongup asked suddenly. He rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow so he could look at Himchan.

  
"I don't know," Himchan said. Jongup poked his side.

  
"Hyuuung."

  
"Aigoo, no tickling!" Himchan said, which of course led to an all-out tickling war, which ended with Jongup victorious on top of him. Although that seemed to Himchan to be the best possible outcome.

  
"How long?" Jongup pressed.

  
"A long time," Himchan said. He linked his hands through Jongup's and smiled up at him. "It changed at some point but I didn't even realize it because I liked you so much already."

  
Jongup nodded.

  
"Like the frog in the pot," he said.

  
"Um. Gonna need you to spell that one out for me, I'm afraid."

  
"You know, you can put a frog in a pot of regular water and turn up the heat and he won't move because he won't notice the change until he's already boiling to death."

  
Himchan blinked a few times. "A more poetical description of my affections could hardly have been made."

  
Jongup grinned. "It's the same for me," he said. "Like maybe...maybe we're two frogs in the same pot. and I only noticed I was boiling when I looked over at you."

  
"So you're the slow frog."

  
"I'm definitely the slow frog," Jongup agreed. "That doesn't mean I don't get there eventually, though."

  
"The "there" in this case being "boiled to death," is it?" Himchan clarified, and Jongup's eyebrows drew together.

  
"When you put it like that it doesn't sound romantic."

  
"How can you say that? What could be more romantic than two frogs in a pot?" Himchan tickled Jongup until he flopped over, laughing, and he could wrap his arms around him. It wasn't the first time they'd ever spooned, but usually it was for show in front of the others and Daehyun was teasing loudly and Jongup was squirming away and Junhong was giggling and it was just...not like this. Now Jongup actually scooted back so he was flush against Himchan's chest, and he wrapped his arms around his arms so they were even more securely entwined. They lay quietly for a few minutes until Himchan's said, marveling, "I can feel your heartbeat."  
Jongup just pulled his arms tighter around him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"What do we do when we go home? Is this...I mean, do we have to tell everyone about this, or...?"

  
Himchan made a face since he knew Jongup couldn't see it. He didn't want to think about the outside world yet, didn't want to think about if or how to tell the others, to wonder if now he had to identify himself as gay or bisexual and how or if to share it with the fans. He just wanted to enjoy this and have it go on forever.  
It wasn't totally up to him, though, so he just asked mildly, "Do you want to tell everyone?"

  
"No," Jongup said quickly. "It's too fast."

  
That was a relief. Except that small cold voice kept trying to convince him Jongup must be ashamed of him. He tried to banish the voice. The voice was ignoring the reality of Jongup in his arms right now, and Himchan wasn't about to listen to it.

  
"Then we won't," he said. "We don't have to tell anyone. Although at some point someone might notice we're cooked."

  
"I see what you did there," Jongup said approvingly. They high fived.

  
**

  
"Hyung." 

  
Mmmf. Go away.

  
"Hyung, wake up."

  
Yongguk growled and blinked groggily as he became aware of someone shaking his shoulder hard. He'd fallen asleep at the kitchen table. He was in the dorm. 

  
"HYUNG."

  
"I hear you, Youngjae, shhh," he muttered as he attached hand to voice to name.

  
He swatted ineffectually at the younger man, who dodged him easily.

  
"What's up?" He croaked, seeing Youngjae's face, which wasn't suppressing the laugh he'd expected. Instead, he looked worried.

  
"Jongup didn't come home last night," Youngjae said. Fear coursed through Yongguk and he sat up--oof, too fast, head swimming--but then he remembered he'd sent him after Himchan. He wasn't sure whether to take their continued absence as a good sign or bad.

  
"Did you try calling him?" He asked.

  
"Straight to voicemail." Youngjae was chewing his thumbnail, something he rarely did anymore. "I think I upset him, I said something to him last night..." He shook his head quickly and Yongguk saw his eyes were suspiciously bright. He was torn between curiosity and the need to comfort his friend before he started crying over something Yongguk was positive wasn't his fault.

  
"It's okay, Youngjae-ah," he said, standing and clapping him lightly on the shoulder. "I think I know where he is, and he's fine."

  
_I hope_ , he added mentally.

  
"Where is he?" Youngjae said. "He's usually just gone to bed at this hour."

  
"What'd you say to him that upset him so much?" Yongguk said, sidestepping the question and making his way to the coffee pot. Himchan usually made coffee for everyone; he needed to come home soon. Yongguk always made it too strong, or else it was like dirty tap water.

  
"How do you know where he is?" Youngjae countered sharply. His tears had retreated and now he was his usual self, which was not good when Yongguk was so groggy and trying to keep multiple people's secrets.

  
They stared each other down for a minute while Yongguk tried to think of the possible ramifications of confiding in Youngjae.

  
"He went to get Himchan," he said finally. Youngjae's face twitched. Yongguk pointed at it with the coffee pot, sloshing water onto the floor between them. "What was _that_?"

  
"Nothing!" Youngjae covered his face and peeked at Yongguk from between his fingers. The leader advanced on him, soaking his socks on the just-spilled water in the process.

  
"Did whatever you said to Jonguppie have something to do with Himchan?" He guessed.

  
"No?" Youngjae squeaked.

  
Yongguk shook his head. "Lying to your hyung," he said sadly.

  
"I wouldn't!" Youngjae declared, but Yongguk knew him too well not to see through that malarkey.

  
"Tell me," he said. "Unless you want to wait until Daehyun's awake and tell EVERYONE."

  
Youngjae winced. "Fine. I may...have let something slip about...Himchanbeinginlovewithhim." He let the words out in a rush and took a few hops back as if he expected Yongguk to rush at him. Yongguk just lowered the coffee pot. 

  
"You knew?" He said.

  
"YOU knew?" 

  
"Knew what?" Asked a sleepy Daehyun, shuffling into the room.

  
"How to make coffee," Yongguk said quickly. This was clearly ridiculous but Daehyun was thankfully still half asleep and didn't quite catch the vibe in the kitchen.  
"Aishh, you two," he grumbled, taking the pot away from Yongguk and going to the sink. "I'll do it myself if it's that big a deal."

  
Yongguk jerked his head at the hallway and Youngjae followed him out, ignoring Daehyun's admonishments that it was just like them to leave him with the chores.  
Yongguk's room was empty, of course, with Himchan gone, and he pulled Youngjae in and closed the door.

  
"How did you know?" he hissed. Youngjae threw up his hands.

  
"Why does everyone keep asking me that? It just seemed obvious. How did _you_ know? Did Himchan say something to you, or--" He broke off when he saw Yongguk's expression change. Damn, he really needed to work on his poker face. "He said something? I was right?"

  
"Now you're surprised?"

  
"Well--yeah. That he admitted it. I always thought he did, but...wow. Wait, is that why he left?" Youngjae demanded. Yongguk supposed he'd already fucked up; might as well go all in. He nodded. "And does Jongup know?"

  
" _I_ didn't tell him anything," Yongguk said pointedly.

  
"Shit." Youngjae scowled around the room. "That one's on me, I guess."

  
"Yep."

  
Together, they surveyed Himchan's side of the room, ie the neat side. He hadn't taken anything with him when he went, and half of the things Yongguk had packed for him hastily had been his own, so Himchan's side was no emptier of things than usual, but it felt different.

  
"Yah! You two not only leave me with the chores but then you sneak off and tell secrets?" It was Daehyun, bursting in on them. Yongguk reflected that a few years ago the younger man would never have dared do such a thing--his leader's bedroom, of all places!--but since the break everything had shifted and a new closeness had cropped up among the members. (A bad joke tried to work its way to the front of Yongguk's brain, something about Himchan and Jongup and closeness and it was all very wink-wink and this was why he didn't make the jokes for BAP.)

  
"No secrets!" Youngjae protested, waving his hands wildly. Damn, _he_ really needed to work on his poker face.

  
"There's coffee?" Yongguk said. He assumed there must be for Daehyun to have woken up so quickly.

  
"Brewing, and don't change the subject!"

  
" _Coffee coffee coffee coffee_!" A vaguely Junhong-shaped blur raced past the doorway down the hall.

  
"How is it everyone's awake all on their own for once?" Yongguk asked no one in particular. He pushed a still-arguing Youngjae and Daehyun out the door into the kitchen where Junhong was pouring himself an obscenely large cup of coffee. (He, at least, still had some respect; he immediately offered it to Yongguk when he entered the room. He'd known Yongguk would refuse, but still, a nice gesture. Yongguk thought Junhong might be the only member he still liked.)

  
"Dance practice," Junhong said. "Where's Jongup?"

  
Yongguk and Youngjae both found items of interest on the floor and the ceiling, respectively.

  
"I'll get him," Daehyun said. "Don't drink all the coffee I made, yah?" He headed back down the hallway with one last threatening look at the kitchen at large. He hadn't gotten far when the front door opened and Himchan walked in, followed by Jongup, who had two backpacks slung over his shoulder. Yongguk let out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding--since the night Himchan left, it felt like.

  
"Coffee?" Himchan said, sniffing the air, and he smiled more broadly than Yongguk had seen in ages. He and Youngjae exchanged a quick glance.

  
"Himchannie-hyung!" Daehyun bellowed, angst forgotten. He changed course and barreled into the older man, enveloping him in an enthusiastic hug.

  
"Yah, try not to kill him," Jongup suggested. He dropped the backpacks on the couch and met Yongguk's eyes. His expression was unreadable, but then he was Jongup, so.

  
"Where were _you_?" Junhong asked him, looking from Jongup to his bedroom door and back again suspiciously as though he'd somehow snuck past him.

  
"Just picked Himchan-hyung up from the airport," Jongup lied. It was disquieting how good he was at that, Yongguk thought, but he was so happy to have all of the group back under the same roof that he chose not to dwell on it.

  
"Is everything okay?" Youngjae asked, eyes darting between Himchan and Jongup.

  
"My grandmother's out of the hospital," Himchan said happily. "All's well. Except..." He trailed off and his smile faded.

  
"What?" Yongguk said, ready to glare at Jongup if necessary.

  
"No one said if there's any coffee."


	4. Chapter 4

Jongup dumped everything from Himchan's backpack into the laundry and added his own wadded up dance clothes from the day before. The laundry room was the quietest room in the dorm at the moment, as Himchan's return had galvanized Daehyun into a lot of shouting, which in turn riled up Youngjae, who wouldn't stop poking at Junhong until he got in on it. And Yongguk-hyung never got loud, exactly, but he was so clearly glad to see Himchan too, and that got _Himchan_ all excitable, and, well. Jongup hadn't done so much of the sleeping the night before, and all the noise was giving him a headache. 

He jumped up onto the washing machine, letting its hum and rattle drown out the sounds of his teammates enough so he could clear his mind. 

Of course, in such a small dorm, nowhere was safe for long. 

"Why are you doing laundry?" Junhong managed to inject a lot of disgust into a single word. He leaned against the door frame, his own huge frame taking up most of it. He was sipping coffee from his favorite mug (it was Himchan's mug, of course, the one with his name on it that had been a gift from a fan, and they all took great pleasure in using it before Himchan could, much to his annoyance) (Wait, was Jongup allowed to do that kind of thing anymore? Was he still allowed to tease Himchan with the others, or would Himchan expect him to stand up for him? It wasn't even like Himchan actually _minded_ that stuff; he just liked pretending it did, but did that matter? What were the rules now? If Jongup started acting differently wouldn't it be kind of obvious? But if he didn't, would he hurt Himchan's feelings? They should have worked out all the details before coming back. That had been stupid. They'd been giddy and exhausted and Himchan had been feeling guilty about worrying the others so they'd skipped back all willy nilly without a plan and here they were, Jongup cornered in the laundry room by the hulking giant aka'd as his best friend.)

Speaking of said giant, Junhong was looking so much older lately. He was still Junhong, so he was still a big spazz, but sometimes, like now, he was so _calm_. It was still new. 

"I need underwear," Jongup said, realizing as he said it that a. it was the truth, and b. none of his underwear had actually made it into the washer. 

"Oh." Junhong joined him on top of the machine, forcing him to scoot over. "Oh, wriggly," he said, beatboxing along to the washer for a minute before giggling to himself and drinking more coffee. Okay, so at least he hadn't grown up _too_ much. "So, what's up?" he asked Jongup, handing him the mug so he could have a sip. Jongup took it; he needed the caffeine boost. 

"Nothing. What?"

"Something's different about you today." Junhong squinted at him. 

"No, it's not."

"Oh. Maybe something's different about Himchan, then? _Something's_ different," Junhong said. Jongup just shrugged and drank some more coffee. Something was different, all right, but he wasn't about to start talking about it just yet. If there was something Moon Jongup did very, very well, it was keeping his mouth shut. 

**

Yongguk finally had to put his foot down and send everyone scattering to get dressed for the studio, leaving him and Himchan alone in their room to get ready. 

Himchan was humming in front of the closet. _Humming_. 

"So?" Yongguk said finally. Himchan jumped and looked over at him innocently.

"Mm?"

"What happened?"

“I got the break I’ve been needing, that’s all,” Himchan said.

“And now, what? Everything’s fine?”

“Everything’s fine. I owe you one,” Himchan said. “What should I wear?”

And he didn’t say anything else about it.

Practice that day was rowdy, giddy, full of laughter. Whatever had been fractured seemed to have been healed while Himchan was gone, and, try as he might, Yongguk couldn’t figure out how. He kept a close watch on Jongup and Himchan, looking for clues, but saw none. They had reverted to form: clingy hyung and laughing dongsaeng. When Jongup took the time to show Himchan the new choreography, they wound up collapsed in giggles, Jongup fake-slapping his elder’s back, calling him clumsy, and in the end Junhong had to step in and show him the rest while Jongup went for a water break with Youngjae. By the end of the day, Yongguk reluctantly decided that nothing had changed at all.

**

Of course, Yongguk was wrong.

The day was sweet agony for Himchan. Every time he thought of the night before, every time his eyes met Jongup’s in the studio mirror (and certainly the moment when he could feel Jongup’s breath on the back of his neck while he was talking him through the dance routine and the younger unexpectedly let out a quiet “ribbit” that sent them both tumbling to the floor in laughter) he felt a dizzying happiness. It was like in the movies; everything looked brighter, Daehyun’s teasing was funnier, the music sounded better. Even Manager Kang pulling him aside to ask drily after his sick grandmother only gave him the briefest guilt pang, then it was back to his euphoric high.

It couldn’t last.

By the end of the day, Himchan found his patience wearing thin. Exchanging covert glances with Jongup wasn’t enough. He started feeling like he’d dreamed the whole thing. Jongup was really good at acting normal; after the ribbit incident he went out to get drinks with Youngjae, not even bothering to watch Himchan continuing to practice with Junhong, and the rest of the day could have been any old day. Himchan had trouble even catching Jongup’s eye; he was constantly laughing with one of the other members.

“Must be time for dinner; hyung’s getting cranky,” Daehyun cracked at one point. They’d been locked in the studio for hours and Himchan was finally dancing in time with the other members. He’d forgotten how much one missed during promo time, when they were constantly busy behind the scenes.

“We should eat,” Yongguk agreed with his usual reluctance. Yongguk didn’t really _get_ food, and often seemed to resent the necessity of eating anything at all. It remained one of the biggest differences between the two eldest members. For once, though, Himchan didn’t feel like eating.

“I’m going to keep working, I almost have it,” he said. “You all go on ahead.” He spared Jongup the quickest glance in one of the mirrors but the younger just frowned slightly and didn’t say anything; didn’t look at him, either.

“Are you sure?” Yongguk asked.

“Yeah, I’m behind, gotta catch up,” Himchan said. It was the truth.

“We’ll bring you something back, hyung,” Junhong promised. The others gathered up their things while Himchan downed a bottle of water and looked through the set notes again, trying not to be bothered by the sight of Daehyun leading Jongup out with an arm across his shoulder. He was supposed to be done with this jealousy nonsense now, remember? Now that he knew where everything stood?

Except did he, really? They had agreed to keep things quiet and take things slow. Nothing defined, nothing promised.

He waved the others out and glared at himself in the mirror when he was alone. Time to focus. He was still an idol, after all; he still had work to do.

“You’re being paranoid,” he grumbled to himself.

“Talking to yourself? Never a good sign.”

He jumped and his eyes found Jongup in the mirror. He turned quickly to see him standing in the doorway, shrugging out of his jacket. He hadn’t even heard him come back in.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded. He had to fight to keep the smile off his face.

“I felt guilty leaving hyung to practice on his own,” Jongup said casually. “What if you practiced wrong because there was no one to show you the right way?”

“That was nice of you,” Himchan said. Jongup stuffed his hands in his pockets and smiled shyly. Himchan let himself really look at him for the first time in hours. He had on a pair of black sweats that sat low on his hips and a loose t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. His hair was mussed with sweat from working hard all day, and Himchan knew if he pressed his lips to his neck, he would taste salt. He took a step toward Jongup, then stopped, and as one, they both found the red light of the camera mounted on the wall that they used to film their practice sessions to study later.

“Right, so which move’s giving you the most trouble?” Jongup said, turning his back to the camera so he could give Himchan a regretful look as he walked past him to the sound system.

“Aish, I don’t know—I think I’ve got it, it’s just not smooth like when you do it,” Himchan said. The camera was a problem, obviously, but his spirits were already lifting from just being alone with Jongup.

“That’s because you’re still thinking while you dance,” Jongup said. “Some more repetition and you won’t have to think about what comes next. Here.” He turned the music on and the pounding rhythm filled the room. Himchan recalled how lucky they were to have Bang Yongguk writing their music; somehow he never grew tired of Yongguk’s songs.

Jongup pulled him to the center of the room and stood behind him as he had earlier, hands on his hips, breath ghosting the back of his neck. Only this time Himchan had no urge to laugh. Jongup pressed into his left hip firmly, propelling him into the first move. Together, they went through the routine, Jongup murmuring instructions in Himchan’s ear so he wouldn’t have to think about it. It was distracting having him so close, but the song was on repeat and they went directly into the dance again a second time, then a third. By the fourth, the only direction Himchan needed was the lightest touch of Jongup’s palm to one side or the other, and by the sixth, he didn’t even need that. Their eyes met in the mirror as they danced through the routine one more time, and Himchan felt the click he always got when he cemented a new routine in his memory. When the song ended this time, Jongup touched his back lightly, and went over to the speakers to turn off the music.

“That’s way better,” he said, turning back and smiling.

“Thanks.” They were both sweating and breathing hard, but Himchan felt good. He knew he was a better dancer than people gave him credit for; Jongup had told him as much in the past, and he wasn’t one to hand out false compliments. Himchan retrieved his water bottle from the end of the room and drank deep, passing another to Jongup when he joined him. Then, as one, they both found the red light of the camera—directly next to them, facing out. They were in the one place in the studio the lens couldn’t see.

Himchan's breath caught in his throat as Jongup put his water bottle down and pulled him forward by his belt loops until they were nose to nose. 

"Hi," he whispered, smiling.

"Oh, hello," Himchan said, like he'd only just noticed Jongup was there. His hands found the shorter man's hips and pulled them against his own. 

This was stupid-risky; the others could return at any moment and walk in on them; they were a few meters away from a _running camera_ , but it had been hours since he could really touch Jongup, like for real touch him, and he couldn't help himself. His fingers slipped under Jongup's shirt and he felt the muscles of his abdomen, trembling slightly. They were nose to nose, Jongup up on his toes slightly to match Himchan's height. He bobbed up a little higher and brushed his lips against Himchan's, and the dam opened. Himchan pressed him against the wall and kissed him hungrily. One of his hands came up to cup his jaw while the other held his hip in place. Jongup had both hands clutching Himchan's t-shirt and pulling him against himself. 

Himchan didn't know how long they stayed like this but at some point he heard something behind him and jerked back. He and Jongup stared at each other, wide-eyed and panting, until the sound resolved itself into the sound of voices approaching from the hall. Himchan sprang away from Jongup and over to the stereo; he heard Jongup rifling through his backpack against the wall, and so they were when their friends entered the studio a second later, bearing paper bags smelling of roasted meat, and more bottles of water. 

"What'd we miss?" Daehyun said.


	5. Chapter 5

For Jongup, the next weeks passed in a blur. The group always had somewhere to be, whether the recording studio, dance studio, practice room, or at some venue doing a photoshoot or interview. Every morning they were up too early, every night they stumbled back to the dorm way too late. 

One of these nights found Jongup on the floor outside the bathroom, waiting his turn in the shower. Junhong had long since given up the ghost; his snores could be heard from the hall. They were kind of soothing, and Jongup found himself drifting. He was so fucking tired. He knew he wouldn't want to shower in the morning, though, so here he sat.

A shadow fell over him. Looking up would have required monumental effort, so Jongup just studied the bare feet, ankles and calves that he could see without moving. 

"Himchan-hyung," he said, slurring a little bit. He heard him laugh and Himchan crouched in front of him. 

"Sleepy Jonguppie," he murmured, brushing an errant strand of hair off Jongup's forehead. Jongup _mmm'd_ and leaned into the touch. This, of course, was the other thing keeping him busy. He and Himchan were almost never alone lately; they traveled as part of a pack at all times these days. But Himchan still found extra ways to touch him: a hand on his lower back or draped over his shoulders, or brushing too close behind him when he passed. Himchan could get away with this because he'd always been touchy with Jongup--with everyone, really. Lately Jongup was very grateful for the shield this provided them. 

He'd felt Youngjae watching them since Himchan's return. His roommate had questioned him at the time, and Jongup had told him they'd talked things out and everything was fine, and Youngjae's assumptions about Himchan's feelings had been off base. Youngjae hadn't pressed the issue, but still. He was watching them, Jongup knew, and he knew better than to underestimate his powers of observation. And it wasn't just him; more than once he'd caught Yongguk giving one or both of them assessing looks. They had had to be very, very careful.

It was torture. 

“How come you’re awake?” Jongup asked. Himchan had finished his shower long enough ago that his hair had almost dried.

“What kind of heartless hyung would I be if I left my favorite dongsaeng all alone in the hallway and went to sleep?” Himchan asked, settling down next to Jongup and crossing his legs. His shoulder pressed up against Jongup’s.

“I wouldn’t blame you,” Jongup managed around a monstrous yawn. “This week is…”

“Yeah,” Himchan agreed, chuckling. “Even Yongguk’s asleep right now.” Jongup couldn’t remember the last time he was awake after his leader; even though he had first shower rights, Yongguk always stayed up most of the night writing and working.

It occurred to Jongup that, with Junhong and Yongguk asleep, and most likely Daehyun as well, and Youngjae in the shower, he and Himchan were on their own for a bit. This woke him up a little and he cast a sidelong glance at Himchan, only to catch him glancing right back. They both laughed and looked away. Jongup lay his head on the other man’s shoulder.

“I’m so tired,” he said. “I feel like we should make the most of this, but…”

“Shhh.” Himchan kissed the top of his head. “Go to sleep, I’ll wake you up when Youngjae comes out.”

“If he ever does. He takes forever,” Jongup grumbled. He felt Himchan laugh.

“Sleep, Jonguppie.”

He thought vaguely that Youngjae shouldn’t find them like this, but moving was pretty much out of the question, and besides, there wasn’t anything all that unusual about him sleeping on Himchan’s shoulder. They were a cuddly bunch. He slept.

He woke up, too soon.

“… _precious_ ,” Youngjae’s voice was cooing over him.

“He’s as exhausted as the rest of us,” Himchan said. “More, probably, he didn’t get a break from dancing all day. At least you got to record for a few hours.”

“I wasn’t making fun, hyung, I was serious.”

Jongup kept his eyes closed, debating the virtues of getting up and getting his ass in the shower, or just staying put against Himchan’s side, which was so, so fucking comfortable.

“How come you’re still up?” Youngjae went on. “You showered ages ago, I figured you’d be dead to the world by now.”

“Yongguk snores.”

“Doesn’t usually stop you.”

“What are you getting at, Youngjae?” Himchan’s voice was ever so slightly sharp. Warning. Jongup tensed slightly, more awake now.

“Nothing, hyung. If you wake Jonguppie up, he can have the shower.”

Jongup heard his roommate’s feet pad down the hall to their room, and the door closed.

“He's as suspicious as Yongguk,” Himchan said. “I know you’re awake.”

Jongup lifted his head and was glad to find he hadn’t drooled on Himchan’s shoulder. Much. “I told him nothing happened, but I don't think he believed me," he said.

“Really,” Himchan mused. He looked thoughtfully at the closed door, then back at Jongup, and his face relaxed into what Jongup was starting to think of as _his_ smile. “Yah, I didn’t want to wake you up,” he said. “Can you make it through a shower all right or do you need a spotter so you don’t wipe out?”

Jongup snorted, ignoring the flush he felt rising in his cheeks at the thought.

“That might raise some eyebrows,” he said, reluctantly pushing himself to his feet. He reached out automatically to pull Himchan up with him. “Thanks for offering, though,” he added softly. “You should get some sleep, really, it’s so late.”

Himchan checked the hall again before dropping a light kiss on Jongup’s lips.

“Good night.”

“Night, hyung.”

Jongup watched him go to his room, slightly dazed from exhaustion and the kiss, then roused himself to grab his towel from the floor where he’d abandoned it, and went into the bathroom for the quickest shower of his life.

**

Their second album post-comeback dropped, to much applause and acclaim, yet more fan meets, interviews, and performances. The boys returned to _Weekly Idol_ and Don commented on Himchan’s weight and Jongup clenched his fists in his lap even as Himchan laughed it off.

“Jongup seems angry!” Defconn commented, laughing.

“Are you angry, Jongup-ssi?”

“No, I’m very happy to be here,” Jongup said in that polite, mild, unenthusiastic way he had that always made people crack up. This was no exception, but he caught Himchan giving him a curious look.

“What’s up?” he asked, sidling over to Jongup after filming was over. “You did look mad.”

“Later,” Jongup murmured, as Daehyun was coming over.

They weren’t able to be alone, though, for almost two days, as their schedule was so jam-packed. Even the shower wasn’t sacred; twice Jongup pulled back the curtain to find one or two of his bandmates brushing their teeth or doing their hair in the mirror. Thankfully, it was never Himchan. Despite his joke about showering with Jongup, he had started keeping a careful distance whenever Jongup took his turn in the shower. He supposed he should be grateful; it wasn’t exactly anything Himchan hadn’t seen before, but the first time he saw him naked post-frog (as they had taken to calling that night in the hotel) should maybe have a little more gravity, or romance or something, and definitely should involve fewer of their friends in the room.

Still, Jongup was getting antsy. Everything felt so _unfinished_ , and with the release of their Japanese album coming in just a few weeks, it wasn’t as though things were going to slow down anytime soon. He didn’t understand how it wasn’t making Himchan crazy, too, but to all appearances Himchan was perfectly happy.

_He’s just a better actor than you, idiot,_ Jongup tried telling himself, but it wasn’t very convincing. He took matters into his own hands.

The next night, he lay awake and jittery in bed until he heard Youngjae’s breathing deepen with sleep. Youngjae was a heavy sleeper, so that was something. Jongup stole out of their room, passed Daehyun and Junhong’s room (listened at the door, heard twin snores, moved on) and went into the kitchen, where he started rattling around, not troubling to be quiet.

“Jonguppie?” As expected, he heard Yongguk’s voice behind him. He’d seen the light on under the door and knew at least Yongguk was still up. Not much avoiding that; he’d been counting on it.

“Hyung, do you want tea?” he offered. Yongguk sat at the kitchen table and ran a tired hand across his face. “Can’t sleep?” he said. Jongup shook his head.

“Too much…everything,” he said. This was true enough. He was tired, but he always had trouble sleeping during promotions. This was something he and Yongguk shared. Yongguk nodded.

“Tea, sure,” he said.

“What are you working on?”

“I think our set list needs revising,” he said. Jongup knew he was thinking ahead to their upcoming world tour and his stomach twisted with excitement and nerves at the thought.

Jongup sat with him at the table while their tea steeped. This had happened often enough over the years, he and Yongguk having oddly in-sync sleep cycles. Although he was anxious to try to see Himchan, Jongup felt himself relaxing in his leader’s company as they discussed set list options.

“Is everything good?” Yongguk asked abruptly. “It’s been so crazy lately, I barely know how any of you are holding up when there’s not a camera in your faces.”

“Yeah…” Jongup said. “I’m good, though. I think everyone is. Happy to be working, and…and together.” He didn’t have to specify that he was thinking about the break. It had been hard, but Jongup sometimes felt guilty that it hadn’t been as hard for him as for the others. He’d sometimes felt like no one had really missed him, and it wasn’t until the comeback that he saw he’d been wrong, and realized fully how much he had missed _everything_ —his team mates most, but also performing and seeing fans’ faces…this was where he belonged.

Yongguk nodded again. “But you especially,” he pressed, searching Jongup’s face. Jongup smiled at him.

“Yeah, hyung, I’m good,” he said again. Yongguk sat back in his seat, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully.

“I’m going to see if Himchannie wants any tea,” he said to Jongup’s surprise. “If he’s still up, I’ll send him out. Good night, Jonguppie.” He clapped him on the shoulder and retreated down the hallway, leaving Jongup to stare after him in confusion.

_What the hell just happened?_

Not that he was complaining, because a minute later Himchan shuffled down the hall, looking adorably rumpled in green pajama bottoms and a black tank top.

“Tea?” he said. Jongup stared at him for a second before retrieving another mug from the cabinet.

“What’s Yongguk-hyung doing?” he asked, pouring a cup and adding some honey to it the way he knew Himchan preferred.

“Working, I guess, he’s back at the laptop with headphones,” Himchan said.

“Really,” Jongup said, turning back to find Himchan directly behind him.

“Yep.” Himchan took the mug out of Jongup’s hand and took a sip, then set it on the counter behind him, pressing Jongup against the counter as he leaned forward. Jongup went gladly, pulling Himchan along with him by the collar of his shirt.

“Do you think he knows something? I didn’t even get around to asking him if you were still up,” he said.

“Do you really care right now?” Himchan asked. Jongup eyed his lips and shook his head, pulling Himchan forward. Kissing him felt like a relief after so long of not kissing him, and things went from sweet to heavy very quickly. Himchan ground into Jongup and he gasped, making a whine in the back of his throat when the other man pulled away.

"Need to stop a second or things could get...messy," Himchan whispered, pressing his forehead against Jongup's.

"I hate this," Jongup said. Himchan pulled back to see him better. "All this sneaking around," Jongup clarified quickly. "It's... _frustrating_."

"I know," Himchan agreed, running a hand through Jongup's hair. It was black again and he still wasn't used to it. It hadn't been dark in ages. "But what's the alternative?" He paused, looked suddenly nervous. "Would you rather stop altogether?"

" _No_ ," Jongup snapped, louder than he meant to. He pulled Himchan back into another kiss, hard and possessive. Lately all the fan meets had involved a lot of games that seemed designed to get the group to come as close to making out with each other as possible without actually doing it: the paper-passing game and the pepero game, mostly. Jongup could never decide if it was better when he was paired up with Himchan or not; he didn't always trust himself not to just fucking go for it, right there on stage in front of the fans, but then, Himchan was really good at those games, and it wasn't  much fun to watch him practically make out with any of the other members, either. It had all just served to lift Jongup's frustration to an eleven. 

"Okay," Himchan said, pulling away again and grinning. "We won't. You're right, though, it's not a great way to live. I'd like to take you out, like on a date or something."

"Is this you asking?"

"Sure." Himchan didn't look nervous at all now. His hands were skimming Jongup's sides distractingly. "When we get a break, would you please go on a date with me?"

Jongup found himself grinning, even though there was no break in the foreseeable future. It was still sweet. He nodded.

Somewhere behind them, a door opened. They moved away from each other with practiced haste and regret. 

"You're up?" Junhong asked happily, wandering into the kitchen in nothing but a pair of shorts. 

"Can no one sleep in this dorm?" Himchan said irritably. Junhong took no notice of his tone, draping himself over the older man and tickling his side until he cracked a smile and pushed him off. 

"Aish, this kid," he said, but there was no bite to it. 

Jongup handed his mug of tea over to Junhong. He hadn't wanted it anyway. Junhong took it and downed it in one gulp. "I'm too excited about the tour," he said. "Who could sleep, hyung?"

"Youngjae," Himchan and Jongup said in unison, and they all laughed. 

"Daehyun's out, too," Junhong said. "I should wake him up; maybe he'll let me sleep past 7 in the morning."

"Leave him," Himchan advised. "Just because I'm awake right now doesn't mean I want to be _awake_ right now."

They drifted into the common room and settled on the couches. Jongup leaned on Himchan, grateful again that, after years of Himchan's clinginess, they could basically cuddle in front of their friends without them thinking anything of it. Junhong certainly didn't bat an eye. They talked about the upcoming Japanese tour when their album would drop, talked about all the things they would do in Osaka in all their free time (they would have approximately two hours, after all; plenty of time to see the sights), until eventually Junhong drifted off right where he was sprawled out on the couch.

"I don't want to move," Jongup said.

"Don't," Himchan said. And so he didn't, until Daehyun's clattering around woke them up too few hours later.


	6. Chapter 6

Japan was amazing. Jongup could remember the days when the Japanese fans were so reticent that the group thought they were bombing on stage. The fans had relaxed since then, though, and actually made noise during the shows, so they were a lot more fun. Each night the group left the stage breathless and sweaty and thrilled. It was like old times.

The last night as they were bowing goodbye to the camera crew who had filmed the Japanese tour, Himchan pulled Jongup away from the others.

"How are you?" he asked quietly. Jongup grinned at him.

"Are you kidding?"

Himchan smiled back. "Good, because I have a surprise for you. Come to my room after you shower, okay?"

Jongup glanced behind Himchan at Yongguk; the two were rooming together. Himchan followed his gaze. "It's okay, he already said he's going out with Natasha tonight to celebrate." Yongguk's sister had been visiting friends in Japan and had come to the final concert. Jongup nodded his agreement and they were all herded back to the van. 

Once in the hotel, he wheedled Daehyun into letting him shower first. This was easy enough; Daehyun and Youngjae got into a debate about some drama or other on the ride back to the hotel and Daehyun went with him to the room he was sharing with Junhong to settle things. 

Once clean, Jongup padded across the hall to Himchan's room. He felt a little nervous. What did Himchan have planned? He knocked on the door and was surprised when Himchan opened it. He had changed into nice clothes. Black leather pants and a black sweater that somehow managed to look cozy and sexy at once. It contrasted sharply with Himchan's pale skin. Jongup suddenly felt like a kid in his shorts and t shirt, just like Himchan had seen him a thousand times.

Himchan grinned and ushered him inside. 

"What's going on?" Jongup said.

"I promised you a date, didn't I?" Himchan said. He motioned to the bed behind him, to where a pair of jeans and a top were laid out. Jongup raised an eyebrow. 

"You stole my clothes?"

"I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure we'd really be able to get away," Himchan said. "Is that okay?"

He'd laid out a pair of Jongup's nice jeans and a dark blue button down shirt. A pair of Jongup's nice shoes were on the floor next to the bed. 

"Yeah," he said. "Just give me a couple minutes to change?"

"Of course." Himchan made a show of turning his back and Jongup changed his outfit. It felt a little odd to essentially let Himchan dress him, but he had to admit he looked pretty good. He messed with his hair a bit to make it look intentional, raked to one side. 

"Oh, turn around," he told Himchan with a laugh. Himchan did, and his eyes widening slightly was his only tell. 

"Nice," he said simply, looking Jongup over.

"Thank you?" Jongup punched him lightly. "Don't be weird. Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. C'mon."

They managed to get out of the hotel without running into the others and Himchan got them a cab. Jongup stared out the window as they rode in silence, fingers intertwined. He never got sick of this, no matter how many tours and trips BAP took--seeing other parts of the world fascinated him endlessly. He always wished they had more time everywhere, even while homesickness made him long for Korea. 

It was a cool, windy night in Osaka, and the city was beautiful. The cab let them off at a street lined with trees that had been strung with thousands of twinkle lights. Jongup followed Himchan to a small restaurant on the end. They didn't hold hands out on the street where they could be recognized, but every so often the back of Himchan's hand brushed his. 

The restaurant Himchan took them to was long and narrow and very white. Each table was a small black shiny square with a small vase with a single tiny orchid in the middle of it. Lighting was low, and the place was crowded despite the late hour. Himchan held a hushed conversation with the maitre d', who led them to a table in the back corner of the place. He said a few things in very polite Japanese (Jongup made out about half of it) and left them. 

"This is nice," Jongup said, trying to get comfortable in his seat, which was as hard and minimalist as everything else in the place. "How'd you hear about it?"

"I did some research," Himchan said. "I wanted our first date to be special." He looked shy suddenly, and very attractive in the low, flattering light. Jongup wished they were back at the hotel so he could kiss him. He settled for smiling. "Now, I know you think you don't like sushi very much, but I guarantee this place will change your mind," Himchan went on. 

A server came over and, with a small bow, produced a bottle of wine and two glasses. He poured out a small amount of the wine for Himchan, who swirled it in his glass before sipping it. He nodded and said something to the waiter in Japanese. The waiter poured a full glass for Jongup, and filled Himchan's glass for him. They then had a brief exchange, and the waiter left them alone again. Jongup looked after him, wondering if it was really obvious this was a date. He'd been out to eat with Himchan hundreds of times over the years without a second thought, but never to a place like this. This place was _so_ date-y.

"What'd you say?" he asked Himchan, impressed with how the Japanese words fell off his tongue so naturally. (Or at least it sounded natural enough to Jongup's inexpert ears.)

"I was just ordering," Himchan said. 

"For both of us?" Jongup wasn't sure whether to be grateful or irritated. He decided on grateful. "Do I get to know what I'm getting?"

" _I_ don't even know what we're getting, I just asked for the chef's special," Himchan said with a laugh, and Jongup relaxed. He took a sip of his wine, which was red and thick and rich. He knew it must be technically excellent wine, because Himchan knew about that kind of thing, but Jongup would have preferred soju or even beer. Still, it warmed him pleasantly as it went down. 

They passed the time until the waiter returned talking about the concert. Himchan was worried he'd messed up the second bridge in "Excuse Me," and Jongup reassured him that he hadn't even noticed, so the audience probably hadn't either. 

"I love how much you get to sing now," Himchan said. "You really give Daehyun a run for his money. When you do the high part on "With You"?" He shook his head, grinning, and Jongup drank more wine to hide his own smile. 

He had worked hard since the comeback to really hold his own more. Sure, everyone knew he was a strong dancer, but so was Zelo, who also did half of the group's rapping. Jongup had realized at some point that he wasn't content anymore to just be good at one thing. He'd always been a fine singer, but it took real effort to be able to stand up next to Youngjae and Daehyun. Every time one of the others mentioned it, he flushed with pride. 

"Do you think it bothers him?" he asked. "Daehyun, I mean--sharing more of the leads with me?" He didn't think it did--Daehyun had mentioned more than once that it was good for his voice to have more of a chance to rest--but if there was something under the surface he was missing, he thought Himchan would know.

"Probably," Himchan said. It wasn't the answer Jongup had been hoping for. He slumped in his seat as much as the unyielding metal would allow. "But he knows he shouldn't be, so it won't be a problem."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it like this. Is it weird for you that everyone's talking about Zelo's abs all the time now? You and Yongguk used to be the only ones."

Jongup thought about it, the dozens of interviews that had brought up Junhong's newly-revealed abs, his new manly image. Jongup had been praised just as much though, named the manliest member of the group many times. Still, was there a moment, maybe, when it stung just a little, when he felt surpassed by the maknae? Hadn't that been part of what sent him back to the singing practice room again and again when in the old days he'd have been happy enough dancing?

Himchan must have seen some of this in his face, because he nodded. "But it doesn't mean anything bad," he said kindly. "You're growing, too, working in new ways. So even if it bothers you a little bit sometimes, it's nothing to worry about, right?"

Jongup considered, nodded. A weight he hadn't realized he was carrying lifted from his shoulders. 

"It's the same for Daehyun," Himchan said. "It'll push him to get better, same as the rest of us, which is good for the group. And besides, he loves you. You guys have been practically inseparable since we got back." He spoke lightly, but Jongup sensed something behind the words. Before he could say anything, though, the server had materialized beside the table with two long narrow plates lined with sushi. He said something while pointing to each piece of fish in turn. Jongup understood some of them. He hoped he was wrong about the one that sounded like  _skin_. They thanked the man and he departed after refilling each of their glasses. 

"This is supposed to be the best sushi in Osaka," Himchan enthused, pouring out some soy sauce for each of them and swirling some wasabi into his own. Jongup tried for enthusiasm, though he couldn't quite shake the wish that his sushi could be burger-flavored. He copied Himchan's movements, knowing he'd be most likely to get the best bite that way. The other man watched him eat the first piece, hopeful smile in place.

The fish was rich and not slimy, as Jongup had expected. Not even as fishy as he'd thought. The heat from the wasabi burned the inside of his nose. He swallowed hard and drank a long sip of wine. Himchan's smile faded.

"You don't like it."

"No, it's good! Not--not what I expected," Jongup said quickly. _Good_ might have been overselling things a bit, but at least it wasn't awful. He took his time preparing his next piece, willing Himchan to eat and stop staring at him with dawning disappointment. 

He tried to remember what they'd been talking about, what he'd wanted to say next. The waiter had brought things back into date territory and Jongup felt awkward again. Awkward...Daehyun. That had been it, the strange _thing_ in Himchan's voice when he mentioned Jongup and Daehyun. _Inseparable_ , he'd called them. 

The thing was, he wasn't totally wrong. They had gotten closer over the past year. Maybe it was just that, with both of them getting older, the age gap seemed even less important than it ever had. This was true for the group as a whole, Jongup had noticed. Or maybe it was the singing; Daehyun had been helping him and Jongup had been _studying_ him in a way he never had before. Knowing Daehyun's ego, he was flattered by the attention, and it had made him both generous and affectionate with Jongup. Hanging out with him was always so _easy_. Jongup could sit across the room from him on his phone playing some game, and as long as he responded to every three comments or so from his hyung, Daehyun was satisfied. He never wanted Jongup to be anything other than what he was.

Jongup didn't know how to explain this to Himchan, however, especially since the moment had been interrupted. To bring the subject back to Daehyun wouldn't look good, would it?

They busied themselves eating for a few minutes. Himchan kept up a running commentary about the food, the wine, the restaurant. He did that; Himchan could always talk. Jongup let it wash over him and tried to suppress his discomfort. He noticed abruptly that the entire restaurant was full of couples, and he and Himchan were the only two guys eating together. That wasn't supposed to matter to him. It wouldn't have if he could just feel normal, but everything felt strange, from his own clothes (the collar kept digging into his neck uncomfortably and he remembered that was why he never wore this shirt) to his inability to say anything especially intelligent in Japanese. He wished again they were back home, in their normal clothes, out for a burger. Was this what it was like to date someone, even someone you'd known for years? Someone you'd roomed with, for fuck's sake, had already seen practically naked a hundred times? Why did things get stilted and strange and formal when you called it a date?

He realized Himchan had stopped talking. Jongup tried a quick mental rewind--it was one of his tricks. He often drifted off into daydreams during interviews, which were usually the same questions over and over again. It was only by rewinding a bit in his mind that he could hear the question that had been directed at him, or realize it was time for one of BAP's salutes. He'd wind up a beat behind the others, but for some reason people found this charming, so he hadn't stopped doing it. 

Himchan had asked him what he was thinking about.

"Nothing special," he said quickly. "I guess I'm just tired." 

"Of course." Himchan summoned the waiter so quickly the man must have been watching them. "It's been such a long week; we should get back."

There was an awkward moment with the bill as they both tried to pay. 

" _I_ brought _you_ here, you can't pay!" Himchan hissed. 

"Yeah, but--" Jongup knew just from looking around that this place wasn't cheap. Himchan liked to treat the others to things, but Jongup didn't think he'd been very good company and felt like he owed the other man at least this much, but Himchan kept the bill out of his reach and the waiter had whisked it away before Jongup could put up much of a fight. 

Things remained chilly between them as they left the restaurant and waited for the cab Himchan called. Jongup had the distinct impression of having screwed up, but he didn't know what to do to fix things. The ride back to the hotel was silent. Jongup didn't even dare reach for Himchan's hand in the back of the cab. It wasn't until they were almost at the hotel's entrance that Himchan broke the silence.

"Kind of a bust first date, huh?" he tried a laugh that sounded forced. "Sorry, Jonguppie."

"I think it's just--just that we're both tired? And...sorry. Too; I'm sorry too," Jongup stuttered, feeling stupid. Himchan clapped him lightly on the back and led him inside. Junhong was sitting in one of the plush lobby chairs. Well, "sitting" probably wasn't the word; he was slouched down so far his back was practically on the seat, his impossible legs stretched out a mile ahead of him. He was tapping away at his phone. There was no way to pretend not to see him, so Jongup kicked him as they reached him.

"What are you doing?" he said. Junhong blinked up at him and pouted.

"Youngjae and Daehyun are still fighting in my room," he said. "Where have you guys been? You look...fancy." His eyes traveled over Jongup and his brow furrowed. He sat up a little straighter and then looked at Himchan, then back again. His frown deepened.

"We got sushi," Himchan said. Junhong made a disgusted face. "That's why we didn't invite you," Himchan continued, pinching his cheek and then pulling him up. "Come on, we'll get those two out of your room so you can sleep."

" _You_ don't like sushi, either," Junhong accused Jongup as they waited for the elevator. 

Jongup could see Himchan turn to look at him and he avoided his gaze as the elevator door opened. "It's starting to grow on me," he murmured, pushing Junhong in ahead of him with a bit more force than was necessary. Junhong stumbled and pulled Jongup closer to pinch him in retaliation.

"Aish, enough!" Himchan barked, hitting the button to take them up to their floor. 

"Jonguppie's too fancy to fight with me," Junhong agreed, exaggeratedly straightening the shorter man's collar and brushing imaginary dust off his shoulders. Jongup shrugged him off. It was something of a relief to have him there, though, no matter how annoying he was being. It meant Jongup didn't have to think what to say to Himchan or devise a way to fix whatever unnameable thing had gone wrong over the course of the evening.

Once on their floor, Himchan accompanied the maknae to the room he was sharing with Youngjae, and Jongup escaped to his room. Daehyun still wasn't there, but Jongup knew he'd be back momentarily if Himchan had anything to say about it, and he didn't want to answer any more questions about his clothes. He stripped out of the uncomfortable shirt and kicked off his nice shoes and had just peeled off the jeans when the door opened and Daehyun came in--no, was pushed in, by Himchan, who had him by the scruff of the neck like a naughty kitten. They both stopped at the sight of undressed Jongup. 

"Jonguppie! Help! Himchan-hyung's trying to kill me!" Daehyun said, trying to wrest himself free of the older man's grip. Jongup saw Himchan _look_ at him for a second, then he was back to normal, slapping the back of Daehyun's head lightly. 

"You idiots kicked the maknae out of his own room," he scolded, ignoring Jongup, who quickly pulled on a pair of shorts over his boxer briefs. "Who knows what kind of trouble he could have gotten up to on his own? Idol of the year and all."

"He's _fine_ , get off," Daehyun said, succeeding at last in freeing himself and running to hide behind Jongup. "Make him go away!" he said, grasping Jongup's shoulders from behind and pressing against his back. Himchan's lips thinned and Jongup recalled again that he hadn't cleared up the whole Daehyun thing during dinner. 

"I'm going," Himchan said, raising both hands. "This hyung's getting some sleep; he's all yours, Jonguppie." 

He ducked out of the room before Jongup could say anything. Audience gone, Daehyun released him immediately and collapsed onto his bed. 

"This hyung's going to sleep, too," he said into his pillow. Jongup was still staring at the door, torn. But fuck, there was no way he'd get to sleep if he left things like this. He grabbed a tank top and his room key.

"Where are you going?" Daehyun called after him. 

"I'll be right back," he said, praying the elder was too tired to chase after him. The corridor was empty. He had no way of knowing whether Yongguk was back or if Himchan was alone in his room, but he'd worry about that in...oh, seven seconds or so. He knocked on the hyungs' door.  All was silent. He knocked again, and heard a shuffling on the other side, and Himchan opened the door. He'd changed into his pajama pants but hadn't changed his shirt yet, making for a slightly comical look. 

"Is Yongguk-hyung back yet?" Jongup said. 

"No..."

"Okay." Jongup pushed Himchan back into the room and closed the door behind him as he followed. Only one of the bedside lamps was lit, casting much of the room in shadow. 

"What's up?" Himchan said carefully. 

Jongup groped for words. He wasn't good at this stuff, preferring to avoid actual conflict. He didn't even know if they _had_ an actual conflict, just that he didn't want one. 

"Um. We, um, missed a step," he said finally. Himchan raised an eyebrow at him. "Of our date," he went on.

"Which step was that?"

Jongup closed the gap between them. He was really hoping Himchan wouldn't step back or push him away, and the elder did neither, merely watching him. 

"I think traditionally they end with kissing, not herding bandmates around," he said. A smile played around Himchan's lips. 

"And we've been really sticking with tradition so far," he said. Jongup shrugged.

"Maybe we could just keep the ones we like," he suggested. "And...I like kissing you."

Himchan was definitely suppressing a smile now. "Well, far be it for me to keep you from the things you like," he said. Jongup took it as the invitation it was and rose up slightly on his toes to fit his lips over Himchan's. This part, at least, he knew he could do well. Somehow this, which could have been so awkward after all these years of friendship, felt more natural and comfortable than anything. Himchan relaxed into the kiss, his hands coming up to cup Jongup's face. He still tasted of the wine they'd had with dinner, and Jongup liked the taste better now than he had in the restaurant. After a beat, Himchan pulled back.

"So, you like kissing me, huh?" he said. Jongup could only nod. "Better than you like sushi," Himchan prodded.

"Well, yeah...but also better than burgers and stuff," Jongup said. Himchan shook his head.

"I messed up, taking you there, didn't I? It wasn't right," he said. He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up and looking adorable while doing so. 

"Maybe we're just kind of...past the dating phase," Jongup said. "We know each other too well to do normal date stuff and have it feel right. It's like taking a step backwards."

"Maybe," Himchan said. He looked a little sad. Jongup couldn't understand it; he _liked_ the idea that they were already too close for dates. What was so great about dating, anyway? He'd gone on a few during the break, and come to think of it, they'd all been just as awkward as tonight. Worse. Why did people get so worked up about them? 

"What would be a step forward, then?" Himchan asked. Jongup just shook his head and kissed him again.

"We'll think of something," he mumbled against his lips. In truth, he could think of quite a few things that would move things forward. Most of them would be very appropriate in a hotel room. But he still felt jumpy with nerves at the thought. Kissing was one thing, the things that came next were another story altogether, one he wasn't sure he was ready to read. 

"Yongguk will be back soon," Himchan said, pulling away again. Jongup nodded.

"We're okay, though?" he said, searching Himchan's face. He smiled at him and kissed him softly.

"Yeah, we're okay."

It was lucky Jongup left when he did, as he met a slightly stumbling Yongguk in the hallway.

"Good night, hyung."

"Night, Jonguppie," Yongguk said, waving vaguely in his general direction. Daehyun was where Jongup had left him, facedown on the bed. Jongup shut off the lights and lay on top of his sheets, his mind churning.

"Hyung?" he tried.

"Mmmf," Daehyun said. 

"Are you sleeping?"

"Course not." Jongup heard him moving around in bed. "What's up, Jongup-ah?" He was clearly exhausted, but Daehyun was always, always up for talking. 

"You... _date_ , right?" Jongup said. 

"Yes?" Daehyun sounded marginally more awake now, and curious. 

"You like it? The dating part? Or is it just something you have to do to get to better stuff?"

"Better stuff being..." Daehyun said suggestively. Jongup tossed a pillow over to the other bed and his roommate laughed. 

"I'm serious."

"Well in _that_ case...yeah, I like dating." Jongup could sense his shrug. "I like getting to know someone. I mean, as long as they're not boring or horrible."

"It's not just awkward?"

"It probably is when you do it," Daehyun said, laughing. Jongup threw another pillow and heard this one meet its mark. "I'm kidding!" his friend said. "Only kidding. No, I mean it's a little awkward sometimes, but it's also kind of fun. I don't know if you know this, but I kind of like flirting."

"Really." Jongup said, deadpan. 

"And yeah, if you're lucky it does lead to more _fun stuff_. And if not, oh well, at least you got a good meal out of it and a chance to dress up."

"We're idols, Daehyun. Every day is a chance to dress up."

"True. Why do you ask, though? Are you interested in someone? Who is she? Where'd you meet? What's she like? Have you asked her out yet?"

"Aish, so many questions!" Jongup groaned. He was out of pillows to throw unless he wanted to give up the one under his head. "I was just curious, no reason!"

"Right," Daehyun snorted, but he didn't press it. Jongup had been smart to bring this up when he was so exhausted, otherwise there'd be no changing the subject, possibly ever again. He'd have to hope Daehyun would have forgotten the conversation by morning. The jet lag should help. Sure enough, he heard snores starting soon after. 

Jongup was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He was thinking about what Daehyun had said, about it being fun to get to know someone new. About the sad look on Himchan's face when he suggested they were past the dating phase. Were they missing out on the fun stuff if they didn't date? Was there even anything left to discover about each other after all these years? Where exactly were they going with all this? They were going to have to confront the whole sex thing sooner or later, would he be ready when they did?

Finally, at some point, exhausted by his own questions, Jongup slept.

 


	7. Chapter 7

More weeks passed. There was no time for dates, no time for much beyond the odd kiss in a hallway, a lingering touch along a back, stolen smiles. It came as a shock when the group found themselves with a night off--an appearance had been cancelled due to a power outage at the network studio. 

"How do people spend their time when they're not ranking their friends in degrees of manliness?" Youngjae asked the apartment at large. 

"Rank them in youth!" Junhong called from his room.

"And wildness," Daehyun put in from his station in front of the refrigerator. 

"And freedom," Youngjae finished with satisfaction. "What better way to spend your time?"

"By eating!" Daehyun yelled. He closed the refrigerator door; its interior was pretty bleak after so many weeks of travel. "Let's go out!"

"Yahhhh!" Junhong yelled in apparent approval. 

Himchan perked up from his position on the couch. Going out for fun would be...well, fun. He looked across the room at Jongup, who was tapping away obliviously on his phone. 

"Out to dinner, yes?" Daehyun appeared in the doorway and grabbed Youngjae's shoulders, shaking him hard. "Food food food!"

"Ramen?" Yongguk said hopefully. 

"Whatever!" Daehyun said agreeably. Junhong appeared in the doorway.

"I want ice cream," he said. "And dancing."

"After ramen," Youngjae said. 

"I'd rather get a hamburger," Jongup said without looking up from his phone. 

"Boooooo," Daehyun and Youngjae vetoed. Jongup merely shrugged. Himchan had a thought.

"We don't all have to do the same thing," he said. "You can get ramen--"

"Ice cream!"

"and get Zelo some ice cream," he added with a nod, "then go dancing. We could get a burger for Jonguppie and meet you after." 

Jongup's eyes flickered up to meet his and the faintest smile appeared. 

It was decided: Jongup and Himchan would go for burgers and the others would get ramen and ice cream. They would coordinate via text to meet up later. Himchan stood in front of his closet, indecisive. This was almost like a date, right? Did he need to dress up? That hadn't worked out so well last time. He settled for a t-shirt and nice jeans and a leather jacket. He looked good, but not like he was trying especially hard or anything. 

"Are you sure you'd rather get a burger than ramen?" Yongguk asked, pulling a hoodie over his head. 

"I don't really care, I just don't want to leave Jongup on his own," Himchan said. Yongguk gave him a searching look.

"And everything's okay there now?" he asked a bit hesitantly. "With you and Jonguppie?"

"Yeah, it's fine now," Himchan said, leaning over to tie his shoes. He couldn't look at Yongguk while he lied to him. "It must have been a phase or something."

"A phase?" Yongguk repeated. Himchan glanced up in time to see the doubtful look his friend was giving him. 

"Yeah," he said with a shrug. Yongguk looked at him a moment later, then shrugged. 

"Well. We'll all meet up later, then," he said. 

"See you."

Himchan listened as the larger group gathered in the common room and left the dorm. He took a deep breath and went to the door, where he promptly ran into Jongup. He was dressed in much the same way as him, in a t-shirt and jeans with a jacket. Not for the first time, Himchan wondered how the younger man was able to look so good when dressed so simply. 

"Ready to go?" Jongup asked. Himchan nodded. 

"Where did you want to go?"

"I had some ideas." Jongup made for the door without waiting. Nonplussed, Himchan followed. This was the first chance the two of them had had to be alone in ages. He suddenly worried that Jongup had used the time to reevaluate their whole _thing_ \--maybe he was planning to tell Himchan it was time to stop. He certainly didn't seem all that excited about hanging out with him--although with Jongup, it was hard to tell. 

He led the way down their street. "I wanted to check out this place that just opened," he told Himchan. He had his hands shoved into his pockets, essentially closing himself off from the other man. Himchan was getting increasingly nervous. The restaurant was close, though, and they soon arrived. 

It was busy, music playing at a decent but not-overpowering volume, the walls lined with mosaics made of repurposed records. They must have been trying to appeal to the music crowd, being so close to various studios like TS, Himchan reasoned. It was lucky he didn't see anyone that he recognized. They managed to get seats at the end of the bar. Jongup ordered a soju and Himchan got the cocktail of the month, something with gin and ginger, and they ordered their burgers.

The bartender moved along, leaving them alone, or as alone as they could be in a crowded restaurant. 

"Thanks for coming with me; I've been wanting to come here," Jongup said. 

"Of course!"

"I also wanted to do kind of a do-over," Jongup said, leaning closer so Himchan could hear him. "Of our date?"

"Oh," Himchan said, relieved. They smiled shyly at each other. 

On the whole, Himchan thought it went better than their first date. Jongup was clearly more at-ease in the casual setting, and while Himchan would have preferred wine, the cocktails this place was serving up weren't half bad. By the time they got up to leave (Jongup paid, Himchan let him), he was slightly wobbly on his feet. 

"Did you want to meet up with the others?" he asked reluctantly once they were outside. 

"No way," Jongup said with a laugh. "I have a better idea."

His better idea turned out to be the arcade half a block down. Himchan was hesitant at first--wasn't he a little old for this kind of thing?--but Jongup was so enthusiastic and once Himchan put his mask on, no one gave him a second look. Before long, he and Jongup were engaged in a long, drawn-out battle of every game in the place. The prize on the table was the choice of what to do next. 

It was close; Jongup dominated at DDR and had freakish luck at all the games of chance, while Himchan proved to be ace at the point and shoot games as well as pinball. In the end, though, Jongup won. Between the two of them, they had won hundreds of tickets to trade in at the gift shop. While perusing the options (dismal at best) they spotted a little boy with his nose pressed up against the glass, looking longingly at a toy sword. Jongup and Himchan exchanged a glance, and then, without needing to speak, Jongup tapped the little boy on the shoulder and handed over all their tickets. The joy on his face was better than even the sparkly toy microphone would have been. 

"Where to now?" Himchan asked when they were back outside. Night had properly fallen and he felt buzzed, awake. It had been too long since their last night off. Jongup pointed and Himchan followed his gaze to a food cart. 

"Soju!" Jongup said happily.

They bought two and sat at one of the metal tables near the cart. 

"Let me ask you something," Jongup said. 

"If you must." The soju was warming and delicious and Himchan felt a great sense of well-being.

"Why do you like wine so much? What's that about?" Jongup was slurring slightly and Himchan giggled. He was just so _cute_. 

"Ummm. Well. Okay, don't laugh."

Jongup raised a hand in an _on my honor_ gesture. Himchan tried to sort his thoughts. They were ever so slightly more fuzzy than usual.

"So you know how wines are supposed to taste like...like oak and leaves and all that based on where they're from, right?"

"Wormwood," Jongup agreed. "Velcro."

"Right, and it sounds like nonsense, right, because you drink wine and it tastes like _wine_ , and whoever's saying they taste, like, cedar--"

"Nesquik."

"Or whatever, you think they're full of crap. But I was reading an article and it turns out your olaf--olfactory...something...like the part that identifies taste and smell? That part of your brain? Is the one part you can actually grow intentionally with practice as an adult. So wine experts and sommeliers and stuff, they really _can_ taste that stuff that most people can't. And I just thought--I want to be able to do that! It's like teaching yourself to see new colors or something, and who wouldn't want to do that?"

Jongup's grin had faded and he was looking at Himchan with an unreadable expression. Himchan laughed a little, self-conscious. 

"It sounds silly," he said. Jongup shook his head shortly and downed the rest of his soju in one long swallow. 

"Come on," he said, standing abruptly. Himchan finished his drink just as fast and followed, feeling a little foolish. They hadn't gone far though before Jongup pulled him down an alley. 

"What are we--" Himchan didn't have a chance to get his whole question out before he found himself being pressed up against the wall and kissed breathlessly. He should have been worried someone would see, but it had been too long since he'd really kissed Jongup. He pulled him flush against him, slipped his hands under Jongup's jacket. Jongup gasped as Himchan's fingers slipped under the waistband of his jeans, grazing his hip bone. He pulled back slightly and they pressed their foreheads together, breathing unsteadily.

"I like the way your mind works," Jongup said. "Should we--"

"Dorm? Yes," Himchan said. They slipped out of the alley and made their way back home as quickly as possible, their hands brushing up against each other with every step. 

It wasn't very late when they reached the dorm, so the others were still out. Himchan kicked the door shut behind them and locked it again, pausing just long enough to take in the silence of the dorm before pulling Jongup back to him. For once, they weren't holding back; there was no restraint. If the others were going dancing later, they wouldn't be back for hours. Jongup pulled away from Himchan; he let out a protesting whine that died away when the smaller man began dropping hot kisses along his jawline and down his neck. They grappled with their jackets for a minute, tossing them heedlessly onto the common room furniture as they made their stumbling way through the room and to the hallway, where Himchan took his turn pressing Jongup against the wall and kissing him fully. 

Fuck, but he wanted him. Maybe it was all the soju, or the empty dorm, or the incredibly hot way Jongup had kissed him in the alley, but Himchan didn't feel nervous in the slightest. His hands snaked under Jongup's t-shirt and yanked it up and over his head, and Jongup gave his the same treatment, immediately pulling Himchan back against him. It was the first time they'd been so directly skin to skin, and it was enough to wake Himchan up a little bit. He broke off the kiss--Jongup whined and tried to chase his lips with his own, but Himchan kept just out of reach. 

"Wait, Jonguppie," he panted.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing, just--if we don't stop soon it might be hard to stop later," Himchan said. 

"Do you want to stop?" Jongup asked. 

_Never, please._

"No. But I don't want you to feel pressured, or--" 

Jongup kissed him. "Got it," he mumbled against Himchan's lips. "Only good pressure here, I promise."

So they were really doing this. They took a few more stumbling steps down the hall before stopping again. 

"Your room or mine?" Himchan said. They both glanced at the doors. 

"Mine," Jongup said decisively. Himchan couldn't help being relieved; he had a hunch neither of them was too keen to do..the things they were about to do...a few meters away from where Bang Yongguk slept. 

Jongup pulled Himchan into his room and closed the door behind him, pressing him back up against it. His hands went to Himchan's belt. Was this really happening? Jongup got his belt loose and yanked it out of its loops, pulling Himchan's hips in the process so they ground against Jongup's. They both groaned into the kiss at the sudden friction, and Himchan had to stop himself from ripping Jongup's jeans off. He felt like he could do it Hulk-style, he was so turned on. But this was their first time; he wanted it to last. 

Easier said than done. Jongup undid the button on Himchan's jeans and ducked slightly, sucking on his neck while slipping a palm down and pressing it against Himchan. 

" _Fuck_ ," he gasped. He pulled Jongup up again to kiss him and began to walk him backwards to his bed, trying to loosen his belt at the same time. His fingers were clumsy with want and Jongup had to help him, but Himchan couldn't spare the attention to be embarrassed. They toppled onto the bed--the springs creaked alarmingly--and lay side by side, kissing as best they could while also kicking off their jeans. 

"This is really--difficult," Jongup said, gasping, pulling back to yank at his pants. Himchan started giggling helplessly as he did the same with his own jeans. 

"Why are my pants so tight?" he demanded. Jongup started giggling too. "Wait, don't answer that."

Each down to their underwear they recommenced kissing. Jongup managed to roll Himchan over onto his back and straddled his hips, crawling on top on him. The full length of him was pressed against the full length of Himchan and Himchan couldn't recall how exactly he had lived so long without ever experiencing this particular brand of perfection. 

Jongup ground down just as Himchan ground _up_ and they both shuddered. 

"Wait, wait, time out," Jongup said, lifting his hips slightly and laughing. "I'm about to come in my pants like a teenager."

"You and me both," Himchan said, brushing a sweaty strand of hair off Jongup's forehead. "Um. This might be an awkward time to be asking, but have you ever done this before?"

Jongup captured his lips again and Himchan thought he wasn't going to answer, but he pulled away again quickly. 

"Which part?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow. It wasn't something they'd talked about before. Maybe it wasn't that strange. Yongguk and Himchan had certainly talked about girls in the past, to each other, but they had always refrained from doing so in front of the dongsaengs, and the dongsaengs had maintained the same boundary. He was sure Daehyun and Youngjae talked to each other about this stuff, and probably Junhong and Jongup did, too. The matching age and experience thing. 

"Um." Himchan laughed a little. "I changed my mind, I don't want to know right now."

"Okay." Jongup bent to kiss him again, but stopped just shy of his lips. "Some of this is new," he said in a low voice. 

"For me, too."

That seemed sufficient for the time being. Himchan thought he knew more or less how this was supposed to work, and he was interested to find that he could be so turned on by the feel of the other man's dick against his thigh. 

He was considerably more than interested when Jongup's lips left his and he began trailing kisses down Himchan's neck, chest, hips....Jongup tugged at Himchan's boxers and he lifted his hips to let them slide off. It should have been awkward; he was waving like a ridiculous flag right in Jongup's face, but then Jongup's mouth, hot and wet, was on him, and all thought flew out of Himchan's head.

His hands tangled in Jongup's hair and he had to work not to push himself further down the other's throat. Jongup had a firm grip on Himchan's thighs and Himchan had to wonder if this was one of the new things Jongup had mentioned, because if this was the first blow job he'd ever given, he was a fucking _prodigy_. Just when Himchan was about to go over the edge, Jongup would pull off, kissing the inside of his thighs until he was ready to beg him to just  _get back to it already_.

Himchan had to bite the back of his hand to keep from crying out too loudly. Somewhere in the back of his mind was the possibility of the others returning early. Then Jongup's teeth grazed the bottom of his cock and all such worries were silenced in a white heat. 

"Jongup-ah!" he gasped. "Jon--" His orgasm hit him so fast, so suddenly he couldn't prepare the other man for it. Jongup didn't pull off, though; but rather increased his suction, prolonging Himchan's release until he thought he'd go mad. When it finally subsided and Jongup pulled off him, he could only lay there in a boneless heap. Pun intended. 

Jongup crawled back up him and kissed his shoulder a few times. 

"Sorry," Himchan managed.

"Why?" Jongup laughed. 

"I didn't mean to--just, without warning, like that."

"That's okay." Jongup bit his shoulder lightly. "That was actually the desired outcome."

Himchan had to laugh as he propped himself up on his elbows and pulled Jongup's lips up to his. He tasted what could only be _himself_ on him; that was a first. Himchan was no stranger to blow jobs, but none of the girls had swallowed before; he'd never tasted it after. The idea had always been vaguely repugnant to him, but with Jongup it was unbearably sexy. 

"Your turn," he breathed, pulling him onto the bed and getting him on his back. Now that it was his turn, he felt a little nervous. This was one of _his_ "new things", after all. 

He took his time sliding down the younger man's abdomen, swirling a tongue around one of his nipples as he went. Jongup arched his back and let out a gasped "Hyung!" at that, which Himchan filed away for later. His own nipples weren't that sensitive but obviously Jongup's were. He wished there was a good way to pay special attention to his abs as he passed them--they deserved a fucking parade, in his opinion; possibly a national holiday--but settled for sliding his lips along them reverently as he moved down Jongup's body. His fingers found the waistband of Jongup's shorts and hovered for a beat, allowing Jongup a chance to change his mind. When he didn't, Himchan ran a tongue along the length of him, soaking through the fabric. Jongup's hips jerked sharply and he gasped, and Himchan pulled the shorts down. He waited for any sense of wrongness or disgust--this was his first time with a guy, after all--but none came. It was _Jongup_ , and Himchan was the luckiest person in the world for getting to be the one to make Moon Jongup make the sounds he was making now. 

Himchan didn't hesitate. His technique wasn't great, probably, but he made do. Jongup certainly wasn't complaining. His hands tangled in Himchan's hair, his hips bucking of their own accord. When he came with a groaned " _Himchan_ ," far from being revolted at the liquid he had to swallow, Himchan actually felt himself getting hard again. He had done that. Jongup was his. 

He swiped a hand across his lips, swallowing--not terrible, really, a little saltier than he'd expected--and kissed his way back up until he lying half-draped over Jongup, head on his shoulder.

"That was--"

"Yeah."

They lay entwined together for a beat before Jongup lifted his head. "Hey."

"Mm?" Himchan rose on an elbow to look at him and Jongup kissed him very softly. Then he dropped his head again, spent.

"That's all," he said. Himchan collapsed on his chest, laughing. It was enough.


	8. Chapter 8

_I love you_. 

Jongup hadn't said it out loud, but he'd been thinking it. The only thing that had stopped him had been the thought that Himchan might suppose it was just the result of his post-coital glow, and not his real feelings.

As the next few days passed, though, the words rose to his lips again and again before he tamped them back down. It wasn't the sex (which had been mind-blowing, life-changing, thought-obliterating). It was just...Kim Himchan. 

Kim Himchan, with his perfect pitch and the ability to pick out every instrument in an orchestra just by listening. Who played, what, forty-three different instruments himself? (Jongup might have had that number wrong but he was pretty sure he was close.) Kim Himchan, who wanted to train his brain to taste new things, _like teaching yourself to see new colors, who wouldn't want that?_

Kim Himchan had a way of making Jongup see new colors. 

On this particular Thursday, it was red. 

Jongup found himself standing over Daehyun, who was lying on his back in the middle of the practice room, a hand to his cheek, where a welt was already forming. He was staring up at Jongup, stunned. Jongup's hand hurt. 

Jongup rewound. 

_Himchan teasing Daehyun during the enthusiastic pelvic thrusting part of the new choreography._

_"Stand in the back, hyung," Daehyun shoots back. "No one wants to see a fatty trying to be sexy."_

_The smallest hitch in Himchan's expression before he can mask the hurt._

_Jongup sees red._

"Jongup-ah!" Yongguk barked. He had never said his name with so much anger before. Youngjae was at Daehyun's side in an instant, pressing a cold can of energy drink to his cheek. 

"Jongup, what the _hell_?" he snapped, looking at Jongup like he didn't know him. Jongup caught a glimpse of himself in one of the mirrors. He didn't recognize that guy. His fist was still clenched. 

Himchan and Junhong stood off to the side, frozen, Himchan's hand lifted halfway to his mouth--or maybe to his eyes, to cover them, but he'd forgotten to finish the motion. 

The dancer hyungs looked as stunned as anyone, but one of them must have summoned Manager Kang because suddenly he was there with an ice pack. He and Youngjae and Yongguk surrounded Daehyun so Jongup couldn't see his hurt and accusing eyes, or the bruise rising along his cheekbone. 

Kang helped Daehyun to his feet. 

"I'm all right," Daehyun said crossly.

"We'll get it checked out, make sure nothing's broken," Kang said. He led Daehyun out, followed by Youngjae. 

"You," Yongguk said shortly. "And...Himchan. Now." He led them into his small studio, leaving a gaping Junhong standing in the middle of the studio alone. 

Yongguk slammed the door behind them and turned on the pair of them. 

"What the _hell."_ He practically spat. Jongup winced. "Jongup. Himchan?"

"He didn't do anything wrong," Jongup said before Himchan could speak.  "Daehyun shouldn't have said--"

"Nothing wrong? So you haven't been lying to me?" Yongguk interrupted, looking at Himchan. Himchan looked wretched. He wouldn't meet Jongup's eyes, or Yongguk's.  "One of you needs to start talking," Yongguk said. "You're...what, dating or something?"

"Not a lot of time for that kind of thing," Himchan murmured. 

"Fine, but it's not nothing either, is it?" Yongguk said. "You've been..."

"Yeah." Himchan's voice was very quiet. Yongguk glared at him for a beat, then turned on Jongup. He looked back and forth between the two of them, apparently at a loss. 

"You have to end it," he said at last. The floor dropped out from under Jongup's feet. 

"Yongguk--" Himchan began. 

"No!" Yongguk snapped. "You can't keep on...not when it's bad for the group, and it's _obviously_ bad for the group."

"So it's fine for Daehyun to just attack him? He says shit like that _all the time,_ " Jongup said. He was rationalizing and he knew it. He felt sick thinking about his friend--what if he'd broken his cheek bone or something?--but also still angry every time he thought of that fraction of a second when he could see Himchan was upset, before he put the usual mask on to laugh the comment off. 

"Jongup-ah, you _hit_ him," Yongguk said incredulously. "That's beyond any stupid joke he could have made." 

Jongup knew he was right. 

"I'm sorry," he said honestly. "I didn't mean to."

"Well, you'll need to explain it to Daehyun," Yongguk said. "And I'm serious, this _whatever_ you guys have had going on is over as of now. The team has to come first. I don't know what you guys will have to do to fix this, but...fix it." And he fixed _them_ with a glare so fierce Jongup felt himself shrink. Yongguk had never been really angry at him before. He'd never seen him this angry at _any_ of the members before. And the worst part was, he wasn't wrong to be upset. 

Wait, no, scratch that. The worst part was, if he was right, Jongup and Himchan really did have to stop. Jongup couldn't begin to guess how they would possibly do that. 

"I'm going to check on him," Yongguk told them. "Settle this, then come apologize." He didn't wait for an answer, leaving the two of them alone. 

"I'm sorry," Jongup said immediately. Himchan hadn't moved. "Himchan?"

"We have to stop." Himchan's voice was expressionless. Jongup shook his head. 

"After I apologize--"

"What if it had been during an interview?" Himchan looked at him, and Jongup saw something frantic and frightened in his eyes. Jongup's fault. "Or during a show or something? It's not just our careers, Jongup, Yongguk's right, it's the whole _group_ \--"

"No," Jongup said, still shaking his head. He wasn't exactly sure what he was saying no to, as everything Himchan was saying was completely true, but everything in Jongup was crying out a refusal of what was happening. 

_His fault, his fault, his fault._

_I love you_. He wanted to say it, but he could see Himchan was barely holding it together. He was just trying to do what was right after Jongup's fuck-up, and Jongup couldn't make it harder on him. He wouldn't. 

"I don't know what else to do," Himchan said. Looking at him hurt, so Jongup looked away. He didn't trust himself to speak, so he just nodded. He heard Himchan leave, closing the door very quietly on his way out. Jongup's knees buckled and he landed hard on the floor--both of his knees would be bruised later but for now he barely noticed the pain. He covered his face with both hands. 

_What the fuck did I do?_

"Jonguppie?" Junhong's voice from the door. Jongup saw the door open a crack, saw his best friend's feet. He didn't lift his eyes. A second later, Junhong settled cross-legged on the floor next to him. The maknae didn't say anything for a long time, just sat with his shoulder pressed against Jongup's. Jongup kept expecting to cry, but no tears came. He felt numb. 

After a long time, he spoke up. "Is Daehyun okay?"

"I think so," Junhong said. "You didn't break the skin or anything, or hit his eye." 

Jongup winced. He'd come close to the other's eye, what if...Junhong nudged him. 

"So, you and Himchan, huh?" 

Jongup looked at him sharply. "You knew?" he said. Junhong did that thing where he opened and closed his mouth a few times, fish-like.

"I mean, I kind of figured it out five minutes ago," he said. "How come you never said anything?"

"I didn't know what to say. I thought you'd...I dunno. Hate me, or be freaked out or whatever."

Junhong bumped shoulders again. "You're silly sometimes, hyung," he said. "It doesn't bother me if you're gay."

"I don't know if I am, though," Jongup said. "I'm not, like, attracted to other guys. Or girls."

"Your sexuality is Kim Himchan-specific?" Junhong said, smiling. Jongup might have laughed if everything wasn't such a damn mess. 

"I think it might be." He let himself slump against the larger boy. "Fuck, Junhongie, what am I gonna do?"

"Talk to Daehyun, tell him what was really going on," Junhong said. "He's a romantic at heart, he'll forgive you."

"Yongguk won't," Jongup said glumly. "He said we have to stop."

"Like Himchan will listen," Junhong snorted.

"He already agreed with him."

Junhong went quiet. There wasn't much else to say. They sat in silence for a long time. 

**

Love, Youngjae reflected, was nothing but a troublemaker. It certainly wasn't doing his friends any good.

"It's ruined forever." Daehyun was lying on the floor of his bedroom, ignoring the perfectly good bed not a meter away, and staring up at the ceiling. Youngjae was seated on Junhong's bed with a perfect seat to watch this particular drama play out. 

"It's really not."

"It is! It won't ever be the same again." Daehyun sniffled.

"I mean, it's not like it was that great to begin with."

Daehyun propped himself up on his elbows, the better to glare at Youngjae. The bruise on his cheek might have made someone else look dangerous. On Daehyun, it was just pitiful. 

"Take that back, Yoo Youngjae," he said. "This face was the money-maker, and now..." He lay back down in despair. Youngjae rolled his eyes. He knew his best friend well enough to know that he was dramatizing to hide how genuinely hurt he was at what Jongup had done. _Jongup_ , of all people--it had been a shock. Youngjae hadn't known his roommate could get angry, not like that. 

There was only one explanation. Stupid _love._

_"_ Your voice is the money-maker, actually," he said dryly. "And that's obviously in fine working order."

Daehyun's fingers started probing at the wound again. Youngjae huffed at him and slid onto the floor, pulling his hand away from his face. "Stop it, you'll...you'll make it infected or something."

Daehyun blinked up at him morosely. "I don't think you understand how germ transference works."

"Fine, well you'll make it worse somehow, anyway." Youngjae kept a hold of Daehyun's hand just in case. His friend snorted at him, but his eyes were suspiciously bright. 

"Hey, it'll be okay," Youngjae said awkwardly. Daehyun met his gaze. 

"Jongup hates me," he said, as if testing out the idea. He frowned and had to swipe away a tear very quickly. Youngjae pretended not to notice. 

"Of course he doesn't."

"Jongup _hit_ me."

"Yes, well. He didn't mean to."

"Then why did he?" Daehyun turned his big teary eyes on Youngjae and all of Youngjae's resolutions about keeping his big mouth shut and his nose out of his friends' business went out the window. This was his _best friend_ , for crying out loud; he wasn't made of stone. 

"It was what you said about Himchannie-hyung."

"What, that? I tease hyung all the time, what does Jongup care?"

"Well. I think he's, um. I think he and Himchan have been...um. Are, like, you know."

"No, Youngjae-yah, can you start making sense? Why does no one make any sense today?" Daehyun demanded. 

"I think they _like_ each other," Youngjae said finally, grimacing. He didn't like gossiping about his friends. Not unless they were in the room and he was just doing it to get a rise out of them. 

Daehyun went very still, except his eyes, which flew to Youngjae's face.

" _Like_ each other," he repeated. "Like..."

"Like," Youngjae agreed. 

Daehyun's eyes slid back to the ceiling while he took this in. Or maybe he had a concussion and was only now showing the effects; Youngjae wasn't a doctor. 

"So when I teased Himchan about his weight, to Jongup it was like..."

"Like teasing his...girlfriend or something," Youngjae said. He made a face. "That sounds weird."

Daehyun sat up dramatically. "How come you knew about this and I didn't?" he demanded, punching Youngjae in the shoulder. 

"I only _guessed_ because I'm more observant than y--ow!" Youngjae ducked as Daehyun tried to punch him again. "You'd think getting hit would make you more gentle with your friends," he said, grappling with Daehyun's fists, which were fast and everywhere, but thankfully with little strength behind them. 

"Ow! Walking wounded, here!" Daehyun said as Youngjae resorted to pulling his hair. 

"Truce, then!"

"Truce." They lay in a heap, panting. 

"So...this is weird, right?" Daehyun said. "I can't picture Jonguppie...I mean Himchan, okay, but Jongup..."

"I know," Youngjae said. "But he's always liked Himchan better than anybody except maybe Junhong. Maybe more."

"We've been hanging out so much lately, though, and I didn't even notice," Daehyun mused. 

"That's because you're very thick-headed and foolish," Youngjae said immediately. Daehyun pinched him but couldn't seem to work up enough energy for a real attack. 

"The fans will be so sad," he said.

"Only some of them," Youngjae said. "I bet some of them will be happy."

"Uh? Happy?"

"If we're happy, they're happy," Youngjae said with a shrug. It seemed simple enough to him. 

There was a light knock on the door and then Yongguk poked his head in. He looked more serious than Youngjae had seen him in a long time. 

"I brought you some more ice," he said, kneeing next to Daehyun and proffering an ice pack he'd wrapped in a dish towel.

"Thanks, hyung," Daehyun said, sounding so pitiful Youngjae had to roll his eyes again, Daehyun's dramatics weren't going to help anything. 

"Where's Jongup?" he asked Yongguk. 

"Still at the studio." The leader clapped Daehyun lightly on the shoulder. "Will you listen to his apology when he gets back?"

"Of course,"Daehyun said without hesitation. Youngjae wanted to scold Yongguk for even asking; was there anyone less capable of holding a grudge than Jung Daehyun?

Scolding wasn't _really_ on the table, though, so instead he asked after Himchan. Yongguk's frown deepened. "He didn't come back here with you guys?"

Daehyun and Youngjae shook their heads. "Maybe he's back with Jongup," Daehyun suggested. 

"He's not," Yongguk said shortly.

"Yongguk-ah...they've been dating or something, right?" Daehyun said. He spoke, Youngjae thought with exasperation, as though this concept hadn't had him gaping and sputtering in confusion only moments before. Yongguk gave Daehyun a long look, then turned his gaze on Youngjae. Youngjae waved. 

"I think the cat's out of the bag at this point," he said. 

"What?" Daehyun said. "Where'd you pick that idiom up, Japan?"

Youngjae ignored him, just gave Yongguk a sheepish shrug. 

"Well," their leader appeared thrown. Probably the last thing he'd ever expected to have to do was talk to his younger members about two of them dating each other. "I don't know that there were a lot of actual _dates_ , but...yeah."

"It makes sense," Daehyun said with more of that infuriating unconcerned tone. Like he'd known all along or something. Youngjae didn't blame Jongup for hitting him. (He immediately felt guilty for the thought.)

"What makes sense?" Yongguk seemed perturbed at Daehyun's acceptance of the situation. 

"Why Jongup got so mad at me. I will accept his apology," Daehyun said humbly. Youngjae rolled his eyes again; he couldn't help it. 

"That's good to know," Yongguk said, and for a second Youngjae thought he might actually smile. 

"Where _is_ Himchan?" he interrupted.


	9. Chapter 9

Himchan was wandering aimlessly through the city. With a snapback pulled low over his eyes and a mask covering the other three quarters of his face--and without the dead giveaway of a dozen cameras following his every move--he could go unnoticed. That was good; he didn't think he could muster up a smile for even the sweetest Baby today. He turned his phone off and he walked for hours.

What the hell happened? He felt shell-shocked, numb. Jongup had _hit Daehyun_ over him. (He tried not to feel warm and pleased over the implication, if not outcome, of this.) By now everyone must know what had been going on between the two of them. On some level he registered that it was unfair to leave Jongup to deal with the fallout on his own, but mostly he knew he was in no state to be helpful. 

He'd ended things.

Well, Yongguk had ended things, but Himchan hadn't fought him on it. The best thing that had ever happened to him and he was going to let it slip through his fingers like it was meaningless.

The thing was, try as he might, he couldn't see another way out. Yongguk was right; Himchan had been putting this thing with Jongup ahead of the well-being of the group as a whole. Secrets were poison to a group like theirs, and he was the one who'd dumped a bunch in their water supply (to just, like, take that metaphor and run with it). He'd been neglecting his friendships with the other members so he could spend any spare second with Jongup. He'd been lying and distracted. And how was any of this fair to Jongup? What kind of future could they possibly have together? If it came out, if _they_ came out, it could spell the end of their careers. How selfish would Himchan have to be to risk that not just for himself but for the person he cared about more than anyone?

Of course, he couldn't imagine not being with Jongup. After knowing how it felt to be with him, Himchan couldn't imagine, just... _not_. 

He wandered into the next bar he found and ordered a bottle of wine. It was nothing special, but it would get the job done. The bar had a nice shadowy corner where he sat facing the wall so he could take off his mask without being recognized. And he proceeded to get hammered.

**

Jongup didn't want to go back to the dorm, but Junhong insisted, and Jongup had the idea that he should probably do everything anyone asked him to do, for the rest of his life probably. Yongguk was seated on the couch with his laptop when they walked in. Jongup wondered if he'd ever be able to look at his leader again without wincing. 

"Hi," Junhong greeted Yongguk. "Where is everyone?"

"In Daehyun's room," Yongguk said. "Except Himchan, he's not back yet."

Jongup frowned. He wasn't exactly surprised, but he hated the thought of Himchan off by himself somewhere. Probably drinking. 

"Junhongie, can we have a minute?" Yongguk asked the maknae. Junhong shoved his hands in his pockets. 

"Sure." He bumped shoulders with Jongup as he left the room. Jongup stared at the floor, which he'd never given much consideration before. The carpet was...dirty. He wondered if they even owned a vacuum. Or did someone come and clean while they were out? Somehow he'd never thought to ask. 

"How's Daehyun?" he asked. 

"He'll live," was Yongguk's dry reply. "Sit down, Jonguppie."

He sat, still unable to look at the other man. So it came as something of a surprise when Yongguk said, "Listen--I'm sorry."

Jongup looked up sharply. " _You're_ \--what for?" he said. Yongguk looked very uncomfortable. 

"I kind of knew that something was going on with you two. I knew Himchan wasn't telling me everything and I didn't push him. If I had--if you two hadn't been sneaking around, maybe--maybe this never would have happened. I don't know."

Jongup had wondered if Yongguk had suspected after that night with the tea when he'd sent Himchan out to him. But the idea that this was somehow Yongguk's _fault_ was laughable.

"We didn't know what to do," he said quietly. "We didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable at first, and then it was just...it had gone on longer so it felt harder to say anything."

"That's why I should have said something," Yongguk said. "Jonguppie, this is...I'm not angry because of you and Himchan. Like the idea of you is fine, if you're gay or whatever--that's not why I'm upset. I want you to know that."

Jongup nodded. 

"It's the lying," he said.

"And--what happened with you and Daehyun. I know he said something he shouldn't have, but he meant it innocently enough. We can never _hurt_ each other like that, Jonguppie."

"I know." He was practically whispering now. 

"I can't tell you and Himchan what to do, really, not about this," Yongguk went on. "It's just that the group needs to come first, and--"

"We ended it," Jongup said. "Himchan did. It's done." It hurt like hell, but he allowed none of it to enter his voice. Yongguk looked sad. 

"I could talk to him--"

"No, you're right. He's right." Jongup scrubbed a hand over his face and stood up. "Can I go talk to Daehyun now?"

Yongguk nodded, and Jongup went to his band mate's room. The door was open, and he found Daehyun lying on the floor next to Youngjae, who was leaning up against Junhong's bed. Junhong had claimed a spot on Daehyun's bed, and he gave Jongup an encouraging nod when he came to hover in the doorway. 

Daehyun just looked at him, upside-down from his spot on the floor. Youngjae glared. 

"Can I talk to you?" Jongup asked Daehyun. He couldn't stop staring at the bruise he'd put on his face. It was already dark purple. Their makeup team was going to want to kill him. Just one more apology to add to the list. 

"Okay." Daehyun rolled up into a sitting position and leaned against his bed. Jongup glanced at Youngjae, considered asking for privacy, and decided against it. He probably owed everyone an apology, and besides, Youngjae would just pester Daehyun for all the details after anyway so he could decide if his apology was worth accepting. 

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to--but I never should have hit you."

"And why did you?" Daehyun asked. Something in his tone suggested he already had an idea. Of course he did. They all must by now, no point in hiding it anymore.

"It hurts Himchan's feelings when we tease him about his weight," Jongup said wearily, taking a seat on the floor across from the others. Junhong shifted slightly on the bed so his leg came to rest against Jongup's shoulder. He was grateful for the support. "And I just got mad about it all of a sudden and didn't even realize it until I'd already hit you."

"You don't think Himchan can stand up for himself? He's older than us," Daehyun said. 

"He wouldn't admit it made him feel bad."

"Like you know him so much better than I do?" Daehyun asked, and now he was definitely needling Jongup on purpose, pushing him toward a confession. Jongup sighed, irritated with his bandmate despite himself. 

"We've been..." he trailed off, frustrated. There still wasn't a good word for it. Dating? Two dates was nothing compared to the months they'd been...together, or whatever. Sleeping together was equally point-missing. Fooling around? Grabbing each other and kissing at every opportunity? "We're--" He tried again, shook his head. Something in Daehyun's face softened. "I think I'm in love with him," Jongup said miserably. He slouched back against Daehyun's bed. Junhong's leg pressed his shoulder harder, comfortingly. He couldn't look at his friends. 

After a long silence, Daehyun scooted across the floor and sat next to him, pressing against his other side. Jongup looked at him in surprise. 

"Well. This is a surprise," his hyung said. He arched an eyebrow at Jongup. "You finally found someone you like better than cartoons, eh?" He elbowed him. Jongup snorted, remembering the interview Daehyun was talking about. He'd always hated the questions about his ideal girl, having had so little interaction with _any_ girl, and not much interest to begin with. He'd said something about wanting someone he'd want to hang out with more than he wanted to watch cartoons. The others had teased him about his answer at the time, but he still kind of felt the same way. He _did_ like Himchan more than that stuff. 

"It doesn't matter," he said now. "That's done." He tried not to sound like he was feeling sorry for himself. This was supposed to be an apology, not a play for sympathy.

"Why?" Youngjae asked. 

" _Because_ ," Jongup said more sharply than he'd intended, looking pointedly at Daehyun's cheek. 

"Oh, that," Youngjae said dismissively.

"Hey!"

"You'll be fine. Do you really want your face to be the thing that gets in the way of love?"

"Well--no." Daehyun looked at Jongup. "You guys have my blessing to keep doing whatever weird things you've been doing, as long as I don't have to hear about them in too much detail."

"Thanks, hyung," Jongup said dryly. He glanced up and saw Yongguk was leaning in the doorway. "I don't think it's that simple, though."

"All you need is love," Junhong said. Jongup tickled the bottom of his foot until he giggled. 

"Tell that to Himchan," he said.

**

In the end, Yongguk found him. Himchan was on his second--it was still the second, right? He wasn't 100% sure, and there had been a few shots in there as well--bottle of wine and his chair had gotten considerably more difficult to sit up in. Yongguk was there just in time to stop him from sliding out of it and onto the floor.

"That was close!" Himchan said brightly when his eyes focused enough to identify his rescuer. He pull-pushed Yongguk into the seat across from him. "Bbang's always there for me," he reflected.

Yongguk picked up the wine bottle and eyed the scant centimeter of liquid left. 

"Please," Himchan said generously, holding out his glass. "You're my dearest, best friend. Have a drink with me." 

"Thanks," Yongguk murmured, taking the glass and pouring the dregs of the wine into it. He drank it in one gulp while Himchan looked on approvingly. 

"How'd you find me?" he asked. 

"They said you didn't take a car when you left the studio, so I've been to every bar in walking distance."

"This is why you're the leader, Bbang. You're the clever one. One day you'll be telling _us_ what to do."

"I already tell you what to do. And who's us?" Yongguk asked. He glanced around and motioned the bartender, who appeared a moment later with a bottle of soju. This was a bit of sorcery that Himchan decided he must learn. 

"All of--us. Here, in the bar," he said, remembering he'd been asked a question. He giggled, hiccuped, giggled again. "This is my new band."

"Sorry, Himchannie, but you have a prior commitment." Yongguk took a long pull from his bottle but his gaze never left Himchan. One of these days, Himchan would be that cool. When you were that cool, things couldn't touch you. Things couldn't hurt you. You couldn't fuck everything up and lose everything you cared about. 

His eyes were wet again. He swiped at them, annoyed. Yongguk passed him a napkin.

"Are you all right?"

"They keep doing this," Himchan said, wiping at his eyes. He couldn't remember if he was wearing makeup that he must be smearing now, but he decided it didn't matter. 

"Will you come home?" Yongguk asked. "Jongup's worried."

Himchan shook his head quickly even though that made the room spin. "I'm not supposed to know that," he said sadly. Yongguk sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. 

"I was angry today when I said you two had to end things," he said. "Maybe there's a way you don't have to. Jongup talked to Daehyun and the others, I think it might be all right."

Himchan tried to focus on Yongguk's words, then his face, but both were swimmy. "How could it be all right?" he said incredulously. "I _lied_ to my best--to everyone! And Jonguppie--Jongup--he should be with someone better. I'll just ruin his life."

Yongguk propped his chin up on one hand. Himchan thought his friend might have been giving him a skeptical look, but it was hard to tell. 

"How will you do that?"

"I'm fat and old and a boy," Himchan said glumly. "I already made him turn into a--a person who hits his friends. How is Daehyun? Is his face salvageable?"

"I think so," Yongguk said very seriously. Except his lips were twitching. Except _everything_ was twitching, and wobbling, and sliding, and Himchan was very tired and sad and his eyes wouldn't stop watering. 

"Come on," Yongguk said, standing. _Standing_.

"Now _that's_ why you're the leader," Himchan said, staring up at him wide-eyed. "You have powers."

"I do," Yongguk agreed. "Right now I have the power to take you home. Come--on." And he practically lifted Himchan out of his seat and let him lean on him like he weighed nothing. 

Outside the wind bit at the end of Himchan's nose. He tried to cover it with one hand and cover Yongguk's with his other hand, which sent his friend off balance and almost landed them both on the sidewalk.

"What are you doing?" Yongguk said, swatting Himchan's hand away from his face. 

"I don't want your nose to get cold," Himchan said. Yongguk stared at him for a minute, then, shaking his head, started rooting through his pockets with his free hand. He pulled out a mask a second later. 

"Do you want this?"

Himchan nodded eagerly, then put it on Yongguk's face, protecting his nose. It was the least he could do. For some reason Yongguk seemed to find this amusing, but he let Himchan affix the mask.

"You take such good care of me," he said, his voice slightly muffled through the fabric. 

Himchan considered crying over this. While he was making up his mind, Yongguk managed to get them in the back of a cab. He let Himchan rest his head on his shoulder, and somewhere along the ride home, he fell asleep there.

**

He was in and out for a while. At one point, someone was propping him up while he peed. This should have been humiliating, but wasn't. It seemed like they were inside, at least, so that was something. 

A black swimmy period, then he was in bed, only there was something wrong with it. It wouldn't hold still. 

"Ugh, stop, stop, stop," he told the room. Something grabbed a hold of one of his legs and tugged it--up? Over? He wasn't 100% on which way was was up at this point, honestly--and rested his foot on something flat.

"Keep one foot on the floor to help with the spins," a familiar voice said. "You taught me that, remember hyung?"

"Mmm," Himchan said. The spinning did seem to be slowing marginally.

"Pretty sure he doesn't remember his own name at this point, Jonguppie," another voice said from farther away. Himchan relaxed. If Jongup was there, he was fine. Everything was fine. There was something niggling at the back of his mind, some reminder trying to break through, but Himchan pushed it away. He let himself fall back into the dark.

At some point there was vomiting, cold ceramic pressed to his chest and under his knees and he was cold, cold. Someone gave him water. Someone helped him back to bed.

When he woke up for real, he felt like death, but his mind was clearer. This wasn't a good thing.

"Fuck," he moaned, clutching his head. There was entirely too much sun falling across his face. 

"Easy there, tiger," someone said from nearby, and the sunlight was abruptly extinguished. Himchan blinked into the darkness and as his eyes adjusted, he saw Youngjae tugging on the curtain. 

"Better?" he asked. Himchan nodded. His mouth tasted like something had died in it. 

"Am I dead?" he asked, as this alternate possibility occurred to him.

"You wish," Youngjae chortled. "Here." He came over the the bed and held out a small cup of something. Himchan smelled mint. "Rinse," Youngjae ordered. Himchan took the shot--mouthwash--and swished it around his mouth gratefully. Another cup was proffered and he spit. A third cup with water appeared, and he drank it all. 

"How'd I get here?" he asked. He was at home in his room, of course. The events from the day before were coming back, an unwelcome intrusion. 

"Yongguk," Youngjae said. "You were sick all night. Jongup took care of you."

So he hadn't imagined that part. Himchan thought he remembered hearing Jongup's voice. 

"Where is he?" he asked.

"You should eat something. Junhong's making fried rice, it'll settle your stomach."

"Youngjae--"

"Well, he's reheating fried rice, he didn't _make_ it, that'd be terrifying--"

"Youngjae!" Himchan bellowed, far more loudly than his poor head was prepared for, and he grimaced. It shut his dongsaeng up, though. "Where's Jongup? And--the others?" he asked. He'd at least expected Yongguk to have shown up by now, ready to deliver a well-deserved lecture. 

Youngjae sighed. "Jongup's with Manager Kang, Daehyunnie and Yongguk," he said. "And maybe some of the other TS guys; we don't know for sure."

Himchan sat up quickly (ow). "What's happening?"

Youngjae shook his head. "I don't know. Just that Manager Kang wanted to talk to them about what happened yesterday. We don't know if he's involved the company yet or not."

Himchan swore. Jongup was off getting chewed out, and where was Himchan? Hungover and worthless. He swung his legs determinedly off the bed and the room swam a little.

"Take it easy, would you? I don't want to have to clean vomit out of the carpet," Youngjae said, looking alarmed.

"Oh good, you're up!" Junhong had arrived, bowl in hand. Himchan's stomach roiled at the smell of the food. "You should eat." The maknae tried to hand him the bowl and Himchan tried to push it away. In the end, Youngjae took it. 

"I'll feed you myself if I have to," he said crossly. 

"Where are you going?" Junhong asked, pushing Himchan back down onto the bed with humiliating ease as he tried to get up. 

"I should be there," Himchan said. 

"Yeah, you'd be a lot of help right now," Youngjae observed. "Sit _down_ , hyung."

"We don't know what they'll do to him," Himchan protested. He was sure this hadn't been the first instance of a physical altercation between idols. But he couldn't remember actually hearing about any before, so his imagination was working overtime coming up with possible punishments they could be meting out to Jongup this very minute. What if they kicked him out of the group? 

"What can they do?" Junhong asked. He sounded as nervous as Himchan felt, and he had another surge of guilt. Now the maknae was afraid he was about to lose his best friend. 

"I don't know, Junhongie," he admitted. He accepted the bowl Youngjae was pressing on him with a grimace and forced himself to take a bite. It wasn't half bad, actually. 

Youngjae sat on his other side. "It'll be okay," he said. "Jongup already apologized to Daehyun and Daehyun accepted, plus we're all adults, plus it's not like anything like this has ever happened before. Manager Kang probably just wants to make sure everything's settled."

Himchan tried to be comforted by this.

"Yongguk's there, anyway," Youngjae went on. "He'll know what to do."

There was nothing they could do then but wait. There was no telling themselves it was a normal day; their usual routines and practices had been cancelled. The three sat on Himchan's bed with Youngjae's laptop between them. Junhong and Youngjae found silly animal videos and animations to try to distract and cheer up Himchan, but he didn't see any of them. He was listening so hard for the front door that when it actually opened, he thought he was imagining the sound. 

But Youngjae snapped his laptop shut. "In here!" he called. For a long minute, there was no response, then Daehyun appeared in the doorway. It was Himchan's first time seeing him since the punch the day before, and he winced with sympathy at the dark bruise on the younger man's cheek. Daehyun brightened at the sight of them, though. 

"This looks cozy," he cooed. "You're still in the land of the living, eh, Himchannie-hyung?" 

"Barely," Himchan said. He slid off the bed and got a closer look at Daehyun's bruise.

"Relax," Daehyun said, pinching his side lightly. "My face looks better than your liver." He jerked his head toward the kitchen and Himchan gave his shoulder a grateful squeeze as he hurried to the front of the apartment. 

Yongguk was filling the kettle with water, but all of Himchan's attention was diverted by Jongup, who was sitting at the table with his head in his hands. He looked up when Himchan entered the room. 

"What happened?" Himchan demanded, taking the seat across from him. 

"Are you all right?" Yongguk asked. "You look like--"

"I look like shit, I know. What happened?" Himchan pressed. 

"I'm on probation," Jongup said. 

"Tea?" Yongguk said.

"Probation? What does that mean?"

Jongup sighed and lowered his hands. He looked exhausted. Guilt bit at Himchan; Jongup hadn't slept at all because of him. 

"It means," Yongguk spoke up, joining them at the table, "that we need to be very careful from now on. It's just a warning, though, and nothing else like this will happen again, so..." He shrugged.

"This is from Manager Kang?" Himchan asked incredulously. He couldn't imagine their good-humored manager disciplining one of their members, not when the matter was already settled. 

"One of the dancer hyungs said something," Jongup said quietly. "I don't think they meant to, but someone overheard it and it got to the CEO."

Himchan swore under his breath. Technically, everything had improved between the group and their company. Sometimes, though...sometimes Himchan thought TS was just waiting for them to fuck up, so they could be made an example of. No doubt Manager Kang would be expected to report on their activities in more detail--there could be no more unannounced absences, no more friction between the members. It went without saying that their company wouldn't welcome news of two of their male idols being romantically involved if word of _that_ ever reached them. 

Yongguk had poured out water into two mugs; he pressed the tea on Jongup and Himchan. "I'll be with the others," he said quietly, and he left them alone. 

"I should've been there with you," Himchan said immediately. 

"It wouldn't have done any good," Jongup said, staring into his mug. "It was my fuck-up."

"Nobody ever stood up for me like that before," Himchan said. This made Jongup look up. "I know I shouldn't thank you for it, but...it means a lot to me that you'd care enough to...do that."

"You know I think you're perfect, right?" Jongup gave him a small smile. Himchan smiled back. It hurt, that smile. It felt like goodbye. 

"I guess we have to stop," he made himself say. Jongup looked back at his tea, his eyebrows furrowing. Himchan wanted to reach out and smooth the frown away. He wrapped his hands around his mug instead. Jongup nodded once.

"I don't know how to do that," he said. "We'll still be together all the time..."

"I know. I think we should just...give each other space for awhile," Himchan said. Jongup nodded again. He stood up. Himchan did too, and for a minute they just looked at each other. Then Jongup took the few steps forward to close the distance between them and Himchan wrapped his arms around him. He tried not to think that this would be the last time they would ever be together like this. He tried not to think. 

_I love you_. He couldn't say it out loud, so he just mouthed the words into Jongup's hair. Jongup tightened his grip on Himchan as if he'd heard him. They stayed like that for a long time.

They had to let go at some point, though, and they stepped away from each other. 

"Okay," Himchan said quietly. Jongup stuffed his hands in his pockets and retreated down the hall. Himchan waited until he heard the door close to go to his own room. 

His bed was still in disarray from his turbulent night. He lay down on top of the tangle of blankets and faced the wall. After a moment, he heard the door open and shut behind him. Yongguk lay down on the bed next to him, not quite touching him except for a hand on his shoulder. Finally, Himchan let the tears fall.


	10. Chapter 10

When Jongup woke up, he didn't know where he was. 

This was normal; he waited for information to filter back into his brain. Last night they'd flown into...New York. He was almost sure. America, anyway. They were almost two months into their world tour and the countries were starting to blur together. All their hotel rooms looked the same. 

Jongup's eyes adjusted to the not-quite blackness of the room. He rolled over and saw the long lumpy figure that was Junhong in the next bed. They'd changed up roommates for the tour, and he was with the maknae while Youngjae was with Himchan and Yongguk was with Daehyun. Jongup thought their leader had probably come up with these arrangements, knowing Junhong would keep Jongup as cheerful as possible and Youngjae would be a livelier roommate for Himchan than Yongguk, and without all the Daehyun-ness of Daehyun. Jongup didn't know whether it was helping; he tried to stay away from Himchan whenever possible.

He missed him. It was even worse than the period when Himchan had been avoiding him. He felt it as a constant ache in his chest. Half the time he couldn't even remember why they were doing it in the first place. 

He checked the clock next to his bed, which read 7:07. Way too early. He tried to calculate what time it must be back home, but he could never remember how many hours apart it was. 

Still, they had a full day: interviews all afternoon, a TV spot for MTV followed by a concert, then they were supposed to go to some air and space museum after. Jongup was actually looking forward to that; it would be a chance for the group to unwind. There would be cameras, of course, but so what? Space was cool, and there was supposed to be a planetarium.

He rolled out of bed, grimacing as the over-air-conditioned air hit his bare, sleep-warmed skin. He groped around in the dark until he found his track pants and a t-shirt. He dressed and found his hotel key and left the room. 

The elevator was already full going down; business people off to work or conferences or whatever. None of them gave Jongup a second look. He liked watching them, though, imagining what their lives were like. Everyone else in the elevator was tapping away at their phone. 

Jongup wandered to the lounge, where food had been set out for breakfast. He got a cup of coffee and a banana (he spared a longing glance for the waffle station, but they were all on strict diets for the tour) and chose a seat by the window, overlooking the city. 

He'd been doing this a lot lately, waking up early and drinking coffee before the usual wake up call, before the stylist noonas descended, before the other members were awake. 

"Jongup-ah!"

Well, usually. 

He looked over to see Daehyun approaching, hair ruffled from sleep,  a plastic cup of orange juice in his hand. 

"Hyung."

He sat across from Jongup. The bruise had faded from his face and he persisted in acting like it had never happened. Jongup didn't think he deserved such ready forgiveness, but he was grateful for it. 

Daehyun looked uncharacteristically serious. 

"Couldn't sleep?"

"I slept on the plane," Jongup said. Daehyun was chewing on his lower lip, frowning. "What's up with you?"

"I heard something," Daehyun said abruptly. "I don't know how serious it is, but...I thought you'd want to know."

Apprehension licked at Jongup. "What is it?"

"Himchan." Daehyun waited to see what effect the name would have; Jongup picked at the styrofoam lip of his coffee cup. "He's talking about enlisting sooner than later. After the tour, maybe."

"Enlisting," Jongup repeated blankly.

"For the army."

"Yeah, I know wh--" Jongup broke off, shook his head. When Himchan signed up for his service, that would be two years. Two years of never seeing him, hearing his laugh or his voice. The group had talked about all going into service together, though Jongup knew Yongguk didn't like the idea of him and Junhong going in their mid-twenties during what should be a prime time in their careers. Jongup had pushed those worries aside, though; there was no need for them to think about it until Yongguk and Himchan were at least 30. But now...

"He can't," he said. "He wouldn't." He narrowed his eyes at Daehyun. "Where'd you hear this?"

"Youngjae overheard him talking to Kang," Daehyun said. "I don't know if even Yongguk knows. But I thought you should."

"Thanks," Jongup said. He pushed his chair back and stood. "I need to--"

"Go on, then." Daehyun took his abandoned banana as Jongup hurried to the elevator. 

He noticed vaguely that his heart was pounding as he rode the elevator back up. He felt _urgent,_  like there was a chance he'd miss Himchan, that he'd already be gone to the army and out of reach before Jongup could get to his hotel room. 

He banged on the door to the room Himchan was sharing with Youngjae. He pounded until he heard shuffling and a "Yah, coming," and Youngjae opened the door. 

He was still in his pajamas and he blinked grumpily at Jongup.

"Wassamatter?" he said. 

"Daehyun needs you downstairs right away," Jongup said. He trusted Daehyun would come up with something; for now, he just needed Youngjae to get lost.

"Now?"

"Yes, the _now_ kind of right away."

Youngjae sighed and disappeared back into the room, which was still dark. Jongup heard him grumbling, heard Himchan's voice, hoarse, asking where he was going, then Youngjae was back, pulling a hoodie over his head. 

"This better be good," he said darkly, heading down the hallway. Jongup slipped into the room and shut the door. 

"What was that about?" Himchan asked. He was just sitting up in bed, and turned on the light next to it. He blinked when he saw Jongup, not Youngjae, standing at the foot of his bed. "Jongup-ah?"

"The army?" Jongup asked. 

Himchan's face remained uncomprehending for a minute, and Jongup almost thought Daehyun had had it all wrong, but then Himchan gave a resigned sort of sigh. He sat up against his headboard, legs bent in front of him. He was wearing pajama pants and nothing else. His hair stuck up in crazy directions--he must have showered right before going to sleep. It was a special kind of torture that Jongup couldn't reach out to smooth it down himself. 

"How'd you know about that?" Himchan asked. 

"So it's true? Hyung, you can't!" Jongup said, ignoring the question. He sat at the end of Himchan's bed. It was the closest they'd been to each other without the others around in months. It wasn't close enough. 

"I haven't made the decision yet." Himchan picked at a loose thread on his pants.

"Are you...is it because of me?" Jongup had to ask. Himchan looked at him.

"Jongup...it's _for_ you," he said. 

"What are you talking about?"

"I know you're not okay," Himchan said. "I'm not okay, either. How are we supposed to move on when we're around each other all the time?"

Something twisted in Jongup. It hurt that Himchan was considering going to such lengths to get over him. 

"It hasn't been that long yet," he muttered. This was true, even if the past few months felt like their own little eternity. 

Himchan was looking at him sadly, studying him as if he weren't sure he'd get another chance. 

"Jongup--"

But his phone began to buzz insistently next to the bed: his wake-up call. A second later, the hotel phone rang. Himchan sighed and picked up. 

"Yes?" he said in English. "Okay...thank you very much." He hung up. "I'm up first in makeup," he told Jongup apologetically. 

"Just--promise you won't do anything, okay?" Jongup asked a little desperately. He felt like the floor was trying to slide out from under his feet, and he clutched the bedspread to try to ground himself. 

Himchan stood up and made as if to touch Jongup. Hesitated, then touched his hair lightly. Jongup remembered that first night, how many hotels ago now? when he had done the same thing. Except that had been a beginning and this felt like an ending. 

"I won't decide anything until after the tour," Himchan said quietly. He took his hand away. "The makeup noonas are on their way," he said. 

Jongup nodded. Time to make his discrete exit. 

He entered his own room just as Junhong was getting out of bed. 

"What's up?" his roommate asked. Jongup didn't know how to answer.

**

Yongguk loved New York City. There was so much _energy_ here, and he always felt that, no matter how exhausted he was when they arrived, the city always lent him some of that energy to get him through.

Yongguk was very exhausted. 

The tour had been going well. The crowds had been invariably excellent and enthusiastic, the group confident with their sets. 

Still, he was grateful for the early, mini concert at MTV, and even more so for the relaxed plans for the evening: a local planetarium was opening itself for BAP especially. Some connection between their matoki personas and space. Whatever it was, Yongguk was happy for it. 

They had the place to themselves, just the six of them and their staff, wandering the museum at their leisure. The group had been given cameras so they could do the filming themselves instead of being followed around by a crew, which made for a nice change. Everyone was relaxed for once, happy.

Well. Yongguk caught sight of Jongup, who was by himself, reading something on a computer screen. The display over his head read _This is how the world ends_...

Yongguk joined him. His dongsaeng was frowning as he read.

"Jonguppie?" Yongguk rested his chin on the younger man's shoulder, trying to read what he was looking at, but it was in English and he was going through the pages too quickly. 

"It's about the end of the world," Jongup said. "Of the universe, really. They used to think there'd be like a second big bang, only this one would end everything."

"That's symmetrical."

"But now they don't think so, because our universe has been expanding more and more for billions of years, so they think what'll happen is eventually it will expand so much that we'll be totally separate from everything else. We won't even be able to see any stars anymore because they'll be too far away. We'll be totally alone."

Yongguk pondered this, watching the pictures scroll by on the screen. What Jongup was talking about was laid out in a graph that looked like a funnel, with the big bang as the spout, billions of years in the future as the wide opening. 

"That sounds sad," he said. 

Jongup nodded. "It sounds right," he said quietly. 

Yongguk moved so he was facing his friend, and also to make sure no one else was around. "What's wrong, Jonguppie?" he asked.

"Himchan-hyung wants to join the army after the tour."

The words hit him like a slap. 

"What?"

"He wants to get away from me so bad he's gonna enlist." Jongup continued scrolling through the screens, too fast to possibly be taking in anything he was looking at.

Yongguk looked around the room, trying to locate Himchan. He was over by some telescope thing with Junhong, who was talking and gesticulating wildly while Himchan looked on with a decidedly indulgent air. He didn't _look_ like he was thinking about ripping their group apart, but Yongguk knew Himchan could keep things close when he wanted to. 

"No," Yongguk said. Jongup looked at him finally and quirked an eyebrow. "This is--no." 

He knew the two had been struggling. He knew Himchan's fake smile when he saw it, and it had been on display all too often lately. Jongup had been even quieter than usual, too. Yongguk had hoped it would help having him room with Junhong. It was hard to be upset with the maknae around. He'd hoped they would talk to him if they needed to. 

_Why would they?_ he asked himself irritably. _You're the one who told them to break up in the first place._

He'd thought if he just gave them some more time, they could work things out. But if Himchan's version of coping was leaving them all behind for the army, then fuck that noise.

Yongguk pulled Jongup across the room by the collar of his shirt. 

"Hyung, look at this!" Junhong said as they joined him and Himchan. 

"Team meeting," Yongguk said. "Where are Youngjae and Daehyun?"

"They were going to check out the planetarium, " Himchan said, motioning vaguely. 

"Come on." Yongguk led them in the direction Himchan had indicated. They found a long black trapezoidal hallway that led to the planetarium. It was empty except for Youngjae and Daehyun, the former of whom had apparently figured out how to work the controls. The room was black except for the stars projected across the domed ceiling. As the four of them stopped in the doorway, dumbstruck, the stars began to move across the "sky." It had a dizzying effect.

"Yah, slow it down, I'll be sick!" Daehyun said with a laugh. Yongguk located him in the dark. He was seated in one of the chairs, all of which reclined so you could have a comfortable view of the show. 

"Look, they showed me how to work this!" Youngjae told the newcomers excitedly. Junhong clapped and made his weaving way into the middle of the room, spinning around and around to see. 

Yongguk clapped to get their attention. (Himchan would probably make fun of him for this later. _You're such a schoolteacher, Bbang_ , or something. What the hell would Yongguk do if Himchan left? The others weren't nearly as comfortable making fun of their leader. The idea of a Himchan-less BAP was just ludicrous.)

"Team meeting," he said. The members gathered around curiously. "We need a vote," Yongguk continued. "By show of hands--who would rather Jonguppie and Himchan be happy and together than separate and miserable?"

There was a brief pause, then Youngjae burst out laughing and raised his hand. Daehyun snickered and then followed suit, and Junhong waved his arm energetically, followed by Yongguk. The objects of the vote just stood there, looking utterly nonplussed. 

"4-2 wins the vote," Yongguk said. "Next item--who thinks they won't have a problem keeping their mouth shut about this around anyone outside this room?" He tried not to look too obviously at Daehyun. Again, four hands went up. "Good," Yongguk said. "Third--are there any other secret romances in the group that we should know about?"

Daehyun cleared his throat. "Well, now that you mention it, there's something I've been meaning to say to Youngjae," he began grandly. Youngjae hit him hard on the shoulder. 

"Shut up, stupid!" he said. Even in the dim light, Yongguk thought he could see him flush. Daehyun held up both hands in surrender, laughing. 

"Okay," Yongguk said. He turned to Jongup and Himchan. "So it's up to you two if, how, and when you tell anyone about your relationship. Just please talk to us first so we can back you up. Any conflicts with other members, talk to me about it." He gave a dazed-looking Jongup a pointed look. "You, no more worrying about the end of the world. And you--" He pointed to Himchan. "You're not going anywhere."

Junhong made a small noise of confusion, but clearly the others knew what Yongguk was talking about. It wasn't hard to guess how the chain of information had gone. Yongguk reminded himself to chew Himchan out for it more later. His friend was looking sheepish. 

"Umm," Jongup spoke up. He looked back and forth between Yongguk and Himchan uncertainly. "This is really nice of you, but I'm not sure Himchan still--"

"Why wouldn't I still?" Himchan interrupted. "Don't say the army thing, I already told you--I mean, I love you, so--"

Daehyun let out a small squeak and covered his mouth with his hand to prevent any more sound from escaping. He couldn't hide his grin, though. Youngjae hit him again, lighter this time, but he was smiling too. So was Junhong. Come to think of it, so was Yongguk. Only Jongup seemed dumbfounded. Himchan looked from his blank face to the other members.

"I--thought that was kind of obvious," he said.

"It was," Youngjae said. 

"Oh," Jongup said. "That's--that's good." And then he smiled that blinding Jongup smile that Yongguk hadn't even realized had been missing for months. He could have basked in the happiness of his members for hours, but suddenly Junhong was pulling on his sleeve and dragging him out of the room while he pushed Youngjae and Daehyun ahead of them.

"So cute, so cute, so cute!" Daehyun giggled. Yongguk had to agree. 

**

"What just happened?" Himchan asked with a laugh as he and Jongup were abruptly abandoned. 

Well, not _abandoned_ so much, as that made it sound like a bad thing. Jongup felt a little dizzy, but he was fairly sure what had just happened was very, very good. 

"I think they just saved us," he said. 

Himchan was still standing a few meters away from him. Jongup would have liked to move closer, but he felt unaccountably shy all of a sudden. Himchan loved him. That was fairly overwhelming. He'd just said it in front of everyone, like it was normal. Jongup hadn't wanted to say it back with the others there. He didn't know if that meant he'd missed his shot altogether. He wasn't sure he'd know how to be in a relationship that people actually knew about. You could actually _call_ it a relationship when people actually knew about it, right? Why was he stressing about this now? He should just be _happy_ , for crying out loud--

"Jongup." Himchan had moved closer while he was busy panicking. "Look up."

He did. The ceiling was still covered in projected stars and the fuzzy white belt of the Milky Way. It looked so real that Jongup's breath caught in his throat. When he got it back, he felt calmer again. He looked down again at Himchan. His skin was practically glowing in the low light, and he was giving Jongup such a look of understanding that he couldn't remember why he'd been so worried. 

He closed the distance between them, took Himchan's face in both hands and kissed him. Himchan's arms circled his back and pulled him closer, and for a moment, everything in the actual universe was perfect.

When they broke apart, Jongup rested his forehead against Himchan's.

"I love you," he said. Easy as breathing. He could feel the other man smile.

"I know," he said. He pulled back to get a better look at Jongup's face. "What was Yongguk talking about before, with the end of the world?"

"Oh, that." Jongup laughed a little. He couldn't seem to stop touching Himchan, tracing his lips with one finger while running his other hand through his hair. "Turns out the universe is probably going to keep expanding until everything's so far apart we won't be able to see any stars from earth anymore." He frowned. "It's kind of depressing but I didn't read far enough to see how that'll actually end the world. Maybe the sun will get too far away and it will get too cold?"

"Uh-uh," Himchan said, He slipped a few distracting fingers under Jongup's shirt. "I know this one--if the universe keeps expanding, eventually all atoms will get too far apart and all matter will dissipate."

Jongup gaped at him. "You just knew that off the top of your head?"

Himchan bumped their foreheads together lightly. "I looked at the same exhibit you did, Jonguppie."

"Oh." He didn't have it in him to feel silly, not with Himchan smiling _his_ smile at him for the first time in months. 

"Anyway. I guess we don't have to worry about it for a while. Like, a few hundred billion years."

"Right," Jongup said. Truthfully, he thought his atoms were in danger of flying apart any second. If they did, though, it wouldn't be the end of anything. His hand found Himchan's and he linked their fingers, holding on tight. Anywhere he went, he was taking Himchan with him.

"So," he said, unable to keep his eyes off the other man's lips, unable to stop his own grin from forming. "What happens next?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so a huge thank you to anyone who actually made it through all of this! It was originally meant to be short, but I had way too much fun. I'm thinking it might just be part one of a series, as I can think of plenty of other ways to torture our boys... :)


End file.
